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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28853433">Into a Million Pieces</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rosieboo98/pseuds/Rosieboo98'>Rosieboo98</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Schitt's Creek</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys In Love, Comfort/Angst, Depression, Divorce, Dubious Morality, Eventual Happy Ending, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Husbands, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, POV Patrick Brewer, Patrick Brewer loves David Rose, Post-Divorce, Slow Burn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 08:34:57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>26,093</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28853433</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rosieboo98/pseuds/Rosieboo98</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Even in his half asleep state Patrick is conscious that anyone calling in the dead of night must have a good reason. He really hoped that it wasn’t one of his parents, but then again who else would call him in the middle of the night, it must be an emergency.</p><p>He manages to grab the phone and he blinks a couple of times at the screen until his eyes focus on the name on the caller display, when he sees who is calling, his blood runs cold.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Patrick Brewer/David Rose, Patrick Brewer/Original Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>86</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>174</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. The Call</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi Everyone, I just wanted let you know that this is my first ever fanfic. I’m not a writer by any stretch of the imagination, but I had an idea for this story and wanted to write it. </p><p>There will more than likely be spelling mistakes, punctuation in the wrong places (or even lack of punctuation) but I hope that you can still enjoy it.</p><p>The story is complete so I am uploading it as soon as each chapter is edited.</p><p>CW: This story is very sad, very painful and there is a LOT of angst! Oh and there is the tiniest bit of smut.</p><p>TW for future chapters: It gets very dark regarding mental health.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The news of Johnny Rose’s passing hits Patrick like a ton of bricks.</p><p>It was 2.23AM and he had been woken by a persistent vibrating sound somewhere in the not too far distance, at first he thought he was dreaming but the sound continued, stopped for a few seconds then started up again.</p><p>‘Hey babe, is that your phone?’ Said a sleepy voice from somewhere under the sheets beside him ‘Whoever it is, tell them to fuck off’</p><p>Patrick extends his arm fumbling to locate the vibrating phone on his nightstand.</p><p>Even in his half asleep state Patrick is conscious that anyone calling in the dead of night must have a good reason. He really hoped that it wasn’t one of my parents, but then again who else would call him in the middle of the night, it must be an emergency.</p><p>He manages to grab the phone and he blinks a couple of times at the screen until his eyes focus on the name on the caller display, when he sees who is calling, his blood runs cold.</p><p>He immediately throws back the covers and sits up at the side of the bed and answers.</p><p>‘Stevie?’ He could hear her softly sobbing and slowly trying to catch her breath. ‘What’s going on? Is everything ok? Is he.......’ </p><p>Patrick stood up not caring that he was completely naked, he’s breathing hard and his heart is beating out of his chest.</p><p>She takes a deep breath in, then a shaky exhale ‘Yeah it’s not.... he’s...... um, it’s not David. It’s Mr Rose, he....um, he had another heart attack tonight, and....um, he didn’t make it this time.’ There was a long pause then he hears her let out a shuddering breath before continuing ‘I thought you would want to know.....um, cause you were family, once, so......yeah‘</p><p>‘Oh my god Stevie, I’m so sorry, are you -‘ </p><p>‘Patrick who the fuck are you talking to, come back to bed’ came the disgruntled voice from under the sheets. </p><p>‘Oh my god, I’m so sorry Patrick, I.....I didn’t think...’</p><p>Patrick quickly finds his discarded sleep pants and t-shirt by the foot of the bed and walks out of the bedroom closing the door gently behind him. He makes his way down the hall to the living room.</p><p>‘No, no Stevie, please, you did the right thing by calling me, you’re right, I was family and even though David and I are divorced, I wouldn’t have wanted to find out about this any other way, so.....so thank you.’ He’s pulling on his clothes whilst balancing the phone between his shoulder and ear, he takes a deep breath and clears his throat ‘umm, how.....how are......you holding up?’ He asks softly. squeezing his eyes shut and tilting his head towards the ceiling.</p><p>Because as much as he truly cares for Stevie he’s ashamed to admit that wasn’t really the question he wants to ask, and Stevie knows him well enough to know the truth too. </p><p>She lets out a sound which is a cross between a sob and a hiccup. She takes another deep breath and breaks her own ground rule.</p><p>‘He’s a complete wreak Patrick, he didn’t make it to the hospital in time to say goodbye, he...um, he’s so angry, he won’t let anyone near him, I think he’s in some sort of denial, I don’t even think he’s cried, and you and I both know that David is a crier.’ She sniffs and let’s out a small breath ‘I....I don’t know what to do for him Patrick, I don’t know how to help him, he won’t let me near him’ she’s sobbing again.</p><p>Patrick takes a deep breath ‘What about Alexis? Can she maybe talk to him?’ He asks, his voice shaky, he opens his eyes and the unshed tears that he was trying to hold back are now unashamedly free falling.</p><p>‘Alexis is with Mrs Rose right now, she tried to talk to him earlier but he just ended up screaming at her to leave him alone and she....she just walked away, I guess at some point she’s going to have to deal with her own grief but at least she has Ted.’</p><p>He takes a breath ‘What about his -‘</p><p>‘They broke up, a while ago’ she says quietly, almost a whisper.</p><p>No, nope, he can not do this, no way he thinks to himself ‘Stevie, I -‘</p><p>‘I know’ she interrupts him before he can get the words out. ‘I know I shouldn’t ask you Patrick, and I wouldn’t if I wasn’t truly desperate but I don’t know who else to turn to right now’ her voice raising with each word ‘you’re the only one who has ever been able to get through to him, no matter the situation.’</p><p>Patrick is now pacing around the living room, his tears refusing to dissipate, he’s desperately running his hands roughly through his hair ‘Stevie please don’t ask me to do this, please’ his voice breaking on the last word.</p><p>‘Look Patrick I know how much he hurt you, believe me, I know,’ her voice is calmer now, as if she’s trying to talk him off a metaphorical ledge ‘but this..... I’ve never seen him like this. Patrick his father just died!’ She changes tack ‘I know you still care about him, you answered my call at two thirty in the morning whilst in bed with someone, you wouldn’t do that if you didn’t care. I never beg Patrick, but he,’ she pauses and takes a deep breath and almost in a whisper say ‘he needs you.’</p><p>Patrick closes his eye and drops his head ‘Ok’ he whispers back.</p><p>‘Thank you’ he can hear the relief in her voice ‘you know I would never put you through this if I had any other choice’</p><p>‘I know Stevie. I’ll pack a bag and get on the road, I should be there in around three hours give or take, I’ll see you soon’ </p><p>He ends the call and collapses onto the sofa with a thud, his head in his hands, how the hell is he supposed to do this? How is he supposed to face David again after all this time? </p><p>‘Pull yourself together Brewer, this isn’t about you right now’ he tells himself sternly. </p><p>As hard as it’s going to be he has to try to set his feeling aside. Stevie needs him although he knows, deep down, he knows he’s not doing this for Stevie. But he has to  tell himself that because it’s the only way he’s going to have the courage to get in his car and start driving. If he thinks about anything (or anyone) else, he’s likely to get back under his covers, curl up into a ball and stay there just like he did two years ago.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. A Tough Goodbye</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>‘Hey, what are you doing babe?’</p><p>Patrick looks over his shoulder at Jude who is still tangled up naked in his sheets. Jude stretches his arms out above his head and is still obviously half asleep.</p><p>‘Um.....I’m packing a bag. My father-in-law just passed away and I need to go and....uh show my support.’</p><p>Using the light from the hallway Patrick has already managed to throw on his jeans, a light sweater, his running shoes and grab his toiletries from the bathroom. He needs to get on the road as quickly as possible.</p><p>Jude switches on the lamp that’s on the nightstand beside him. ‘Why?’ He asks, confusion evident in his voice, he’s sitting up now suddenly wide awake  ‘And why do you have to leave right this minute, it’s the middle of the night?’</p><p>‘Yeah’ Patrick says, not really fully listening as he continues to stuff the basic necessities in his duffle bag, unsure how much to pack as he has no idea how long he will be there for.</p><p> ‘Ummm.....Patrick, “yeah” isn’t the appropriate answer to either of those questions, also he’s not actually your father-in-law, not any more’ Jude huffs and folds his arms across his chest like a defiant school child.</p><p>Patrick puts the bag down on the dresser and turns fully to look at Jude, he walks towards the bed and sits by his side, taking Jude’s hands in his.</p><p>How is he going to explain this? ‘It’s complicated Jude’ he closes his eyes for a brief second and sighs deeply, ‘Johnny Rose was in my life for eight years, he was like a second father to me, he meant a lot and now he’s gone and....and the family needs me’</p><p>There’s silence, Jude just looks at him, looks him directly in the eyes like he’s searching for something.</p><p>Patrick knows that he has expressive eyes, he’s been told by so many people that they are loud and that they can tell exactly what emotions he is feeling just by looking at them.</p><p>‘You’re going for David aren’t you?’ He says, almost a statement rather than a question, his voice low and almost breathless.</p><p>Patrick bows his head in resignation.</p><p>‘Jude I -‘</p><p>Jude forcefully pulls his hands back out of Patricks and says through gritted teeth ‘Just answer the question Patrick, are you’ he pauses ‘going there, for David?’ He spits David’s name out like it’s poison on his tongue.</p><p>Patrick gets up off the bed and walks back to his dresser, he can’t answer Jude’s question because if he does, if he says it out loud, everything that he’s work towards and achieved over past two years to allow himself to try and get over that part of his life will have been for nothing.</p><p>Instead, with his back to Jude he says ‘I have to get on the road now, it’s a long drive.’ Patrick zips up the duffle bag and turns back around to face him ‘we’ll talk when I get back, yeah?’</p><p>‘And when exactly will that be?’ Jude asks, his chest heaving with each angry breath he takes.</p><p>Patrick doesn’t answer, he just looks at him, almost like he’s been defeated.</p><p>‘No Patrick’ Jude jumps out of the bed and pull on his sleep pants, he’s shouting now ‘No, we will not talk when you get back, if you leave now, I swear I will not be here when you get back’ </p><p>Patrick hears the rage in his voice but he doesn’t have the emotional capacity to fight this fight right now. He picks up his bag and walks towards the bedroom door.</p><p>Jude strides towards him and grabs his arm to stop him ‘Seriously Patrick’ his voice calmer now, softer ‘tell me, did I ever stand a chance, did anyone?’</p><p>Patrick tries to swallow past the lump that’s formed in his throat, he gently shakes his head, it’s such a slight movement, if you blinked you would miss it. </p><p>With more tears threatening to fall he looks at Jude and says softly ‘I’m so sorry Jude. Go back to bed.....um, we’ll talk later or just’ he pauses ‘if you really want to leave then.....just....put the keys through the letter box in the morning’ he lean in and kisses Jude softly on the cheek ‘I’m sorry’.</p><p>Patrick pulls away leaving Jude standing alone in the bedroom. He grabs his jacket off the coat rack in the hallway and opens the front door. The mild cool breeze hits him as his eyes adjust to the darkness. He takes a deep breath and heads out to his car.</p><p>Patrick throws his bag and jacket onto the back seat and gets in the front behind the wheel, he takes a long inhale and an even longer exhale.</p><p>He glances briefly at the house where he has left Jude, he sighs deeply ‘What the hell am I doing?.’ He asks himself under his breath before starting the car and backing out of the driveway.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. The Darkest Days and Nights</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: This is a tough one, implied depression.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After stopping for gas and snacks Patrick sends a text to Stevie to let her know that he’s on his way and he begins the long drive towards his destination.</p><p>He tries tuning into a number of different radio stations searching for something up-beat or motivational to listen to, something to take his mind off the impending confrontation that was ahead of him.</p><p>Trying to distract himself this way didn’t work he couldn’t calm is racing mind and so twenty minute into the drive Patrick sighed heavily and turns the radio off.</p><p>Anyway, he needs to think. He needs a clear mind so he could figure out how he’s going to approach this situation. How he was going to approach David? What would he say? How would he react? Patrick needed a plan of action.</p><p>It’s been just over two years since he’d last seen David, they had signed the divorce papers, sold the store and their cottage and that was it, there was nothing left to say to each other, they were free to go their separate ways and live their lives.</p><p>Except that was easier said than done for Patrick. </p><p>Patrick hadn’t allowed himself to think about that dark period of his life in a very long time but now on this journey, he had no choice. The memories came hurtling back to him like a runaway speed train.</p><p>The day had started out pretty well, at least they had woken up in the same bed that morning. That was definitely a win in Patrick eyes. It had become an all too common occurrence that Patrick would find himself sleeping in their spare room due some petty or insignificant argument that had turned nasty and David would slam their bedroom door in a huff and Patrick would be too stubborn to give in or apologise.</p><p>They would alway make up the morning though. Patrick, who was always up first, would make David’s coffee exactly how he likes it and leave a sweet note beside it apologising for whatever misdemeanour that had taken place and telling David how much he loved him before heading off to open their store. When David woke up, he would always text Patrick to say thanks for the coffee and he’d be there soon. And all would be right in the world again.</p><p>But that day, as far as Patrick was concerned, all was good in paradise, they had had mind blowing sex the night before, David had taken Patrick’s body apart and put him back together in the best way possible. They took a shower together and then they fell asleep in their usual position of Patrick as the big spoon, holding David tightly against his chest and breathing in the heady scent of David’s citrus and musk shower gel.</p><p>‘Good night David, I love you so much.’ Patrick had whispered into David’s hair as he felt his breath start to even out.</p><p>‘Hmm, good night Patrick’ David had purred half asleep.</p><p>Every time Patrick replayed that night, their last night together, he asks himself if he’d realised then that David hadn’t said that he loved him back or even in David’s “thanks for the coffee” texts he never said it then either. Patrick actually tried to rack his brains to remember when the last time David had actually said those words. </p><p>Patrick had said it all the time, he had convinced himself that saying ‘I love you’ just came easier to him compared to David who had definitely struggled saying it in the beginning. He had gotten better over the course of their relationship and marriage, but it was probably still a ratio of three to one. How had Patrick not realised that David was saying it less and less as time went on?</p><p>When Patrick really thought about it (the hours he spent thinking about it was beyond excessive in the earlier days of their separation and eventual divorce) when he really thought about it, towards the end David wasn’t saying it at all, his usually response would be ‘me too honey’ or just to kiss Patrick senseless until they’d forget what they were talking about.</p><p>Patrick looked out onto the dark highway and sighed to himself, why had he not read or seen the signs? David was so expressive with his mannerisms, Patrick had learned to read every facial expression and hand gestures like a well loved book, how had he missed this one major thing that had torn his marriage and his heart apart?</p><p>That’s the question he obsessively asked himself over and over whilst he languished in their darkened bedroom alone where he refused to eat, sleep, answer his phone or even brush his teeth for two weeks after the divorce papers were signed.</p><p>David had suggested (through Stevie) that it was best for Patrick to take care of packing up the cottage once it was sold. So Patrick spent many days and nights there by himself boxing everything up. He had just got done with the last box in the bedroom, he looked around, the space looked soulless. Any trace that they had been there for the last five years was now tucked away in brown boxes stacked against the walls. All the love and laughter they’d shared there was now just a distant memory.</p><p>Patrick crawled into bed that night, he curled his body around what had been David’s pillow, pulled the covers over his head and cried himself to sleep.</p><p>It was Stevie who found him. David had given her his key to their cottage to hand over to the new owners but because no-one could get hold of Patrick, he’d asked her to do one last check to make sure that everything was in order for the new buyers who were moving in in a weeks time.</p><p>‘Oh my good!’ She said with a start ‘Patrick?’ Steve said when she switched the bedroom lights on and found him curled up on the bed, eyes bloodshot, skin sullen and rocking continuously. She would later say that he smelt like a homeless person who had run a marathon in a leather sweater in the dead of summer but she kept that to herself in that moment.</p><p>She approached him cautiously and said in the gentlest tone he’s ever heard her use ‘Patrick, it’s Stevie, I’m just....I’m just gonna sit on the bed beside you ok? I’m just going to sit here.....for a few minutes. Let me know if you need anything’</p><p>He then heard her taping on her phone for a few minutes, when the tapping stopped she spoke again.</p><p>‘Patrick, I’m gonna need you to talk to me, what do you need me to do for you? How can I help you? Do you want me to get you something to eat or drink or....’ she broke off her sentence ‘Patrick is it ok to touch you?’</p><p>Patrick had made a soft whimpering sound, which she took as an affirmative.</p><p>First he felt the gentle touch of her hand on his hair stroking him tentatively as if he were a skittish stray cat, then her hand moved down to stroked his neck and back making slow soothing circles. He let out a shuddering breath as her hand continued to soothed him, then he felt the bed dip further and then she was there, her small frame and arms enveloping him. He thought he had cried all his tears, he thought there couldn’t possible have anything left in the tank but right there, in Stevie’s arms, the floodgates opened again. He sobbed uncontrollably, his body shook and he wailed like he was in physical pain.</p><p>Stevie just continued to sooth him and whisper things like ‘it’s alright’ or ‘you’re going to be ok Patrick’ or ‘you’re going to get through this’</p><p>He’s not sure when it happen or how long she held him for but eventually he cried himself to sleep again.</p><p>When he woke up, he heard Stevie talking in a hushed tone out in the hallway. He could only make out snippets of what she was saying but he could tell she was asking someone for help.</p><p>‘I really don’t know.....been here for a while.....he’s not speaking.....I think you should come’. She was saying.</p><p>Patrick buried himself further under the covers and fell back to sleep.</p><p>When he woke up a couple hours later he realised that she had called his parents who were now there, his dad perched at the edge of his bed rubbing his feet gently and his mum had now taken Stevie’s place wrapped around his body like a protective shield.</p><p>‘Oh my sweet boy....it’s ok, we’re here now......you’re going to be just fine.....we’re going to take care of you.’</p><p>Her soothing voice brought on another wave of silent tear and she held him through it until she heard his breathing even out and the crying had stopped.</p><p>Once he was awake again she made him some tea and soup and to everyones relief got him to take shower. Then after thanking Stevie they bundled him into their car and took him back to his childhood home were they made sure he was feed, watered and looked after.</p><p>Patrick stayed in bed all day, everyday. The room would remain dark unless his mom would draw the curtains and when she did Patrick would just bury himself deeper under his blankets. Whilst his dad was a work during the day his mom would come into his room and sit with him. Sometimes she’d just sit silently and read a book, sometimes she would read to him and other times she would talk idly about their neighbours or any town gossip she might have. She tried to encourage Patrick to converse with her but she never forced him to. She never once mention David or anything to do with Schitt’s Creek.</p><p>Every evening his dad would stop by his room with some soup for Patrick and he would read him the sports or business section of the daily paper or talk about whatever baseball game he may have watched.</p><p>About two weeks after arriving back to his childhood home and a month after signing the divorce papers, his mom enter his room one morning as she usually did with a cup of herbal tea and some toast (because other than soup, that’s all he’d been able to stomach), Patrick sat up in his bed and said ‘I think I need to talk about all of this’.</p><p>She looked at him with wide earnest eyes and said ‘of course Patrick, you can tell me or your dad anything, we’re here for you’ she placed the tray with his tea and toast on his nightstand and sat down beside him.</p><p>He huffed out a breath and gave his mom the smallest of smiles but said ‘no, I can’t talk to you or dad about this. You guys loved David, I won’t have you thinking bad of him’ </p><p>He could feel tears welling up again he honestly thought he was all cried out. ‘I think I need to talk to a professional.’</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Shattered Glass</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>CW/TW: Adultery/infidelity</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Patrick reads the sign overhead, 20 miles until his turn off, he’s getting close. He has an uneasy twisting feeling in his stomach, he’s gripping the steering wheel so tightly with both hands that his knuckles have turned white and he’s starting to feel slight pressure in his shoulders and neck.</p><p>He lowers the windows so he could get some much needed air in his lungs, it feels fresh and clean and nice.</p><p>The sun is peaking up on the horizon and the skyline is filled with picturesque reds and pinks and oranges. The cool breezy on his face and the colours in the sky are helping him to keep calm and he eventually loosens his grip slightly on the wheel and he rolls his shoulders back and forth to release some of the tension.</p><p>He still hasn’t come up with his game plan.</p><p>‘Think Patrick damn it’ he scolded himself. But instead of making a plan, he starts to think about what happened that day, the day their marriage ended.</p><p>After confessing to his mom that he needed to talk to someone, Patrick started therapy. He went every Tuesday at 6PM and two years on he still continues to go although it’s with a different doctor now that he is no longer staying with his parents.</p><p>It had been hard at first, to just talk, he never want to re-live that day, but slowly, eventually he was able to talk about it to his therapist. When he did he actually felt like a weight had been lifted, he felt somehow lighter. His therapists and Jude are the only people he has told the full unfiltered story to.</p><p>It wasn’t a pride thing on Patrick’s part, at least he didn’t think so, he just refused to be the reason that anyone would hate or have negative feelings towards David. Damn, if he didn’t hate David, why should anyone else. Patrick wouldn’t allow it.</p><p>He had thought he hated him, he had thought the empty burning in the pit of his stomach, the sadness, the anger, the denial, he thought that all accumulated and equaled hate but according to his therapist it was actually the stages of grief, he was grieving for his marriage apparently.</p><p>Well, Patrick had never felt so much “grief” on the day it all went to shit, that’s for sure.</p><p>Again, that morning all was good. They had woken up and David had even got out of bed earlier than usual so that they could travel into work and open up their store together. When they arrived Patrick ran across to the cafe to get coffee (for David), tea (for himself) and their breakfast order whilst David sorted out the cash register. It was a good day so far nothing out of the ordinary happened, they had a good flow of customers in the morning then they took turns having lunch. </p><p>They traded chaste kisses and secret little touches all morning. They had been together nearly eight years in total and Patrick still couldn’t stop sneaking looks at David’s beautiful face, he loved his husband so much.</p><p>Patrick then had to leave for a vendor meeting to discuss contract negotiations. They had anticipated that it would take most of the afternoon, so he offered to go straight home after and get dinner started.</p><p>‘Oooh, what will you make honey?’ David had asked, eyes lighting up.</p><p>‘Not sure, I was thinking something simple like pasta’ they were standing by the front door of the store, Patricks arms around David’s waist and David’s hands were on his shoulders.</p><p>‘Yum, yes please, can’t wait.’ David had said with a smile, Patrick’s heart melted into a puddle of goo, that was the effect his husband still had on him.</p><p>Patrick looked into David’s eyes drinking him in and said in a low voice ‘I can’t wait for dessert’</p><p>‘Oh yeah’ David shimmied his shoulders and said ‘and what’s for dessert?’</p><p>Patrick raised his eyebrow and answered ‘you’.</p><p>The both laughed, Patrick gave David a quick kiss on his neck under his ear and he left the store.</p><p>Again, this was nothing out of the ordinary, their normal routine, status quo.</p><p>Patrick’s vendor visit finished a lot earlier than expected and traffic was light so instead of going home as planned, he made a last minute decision to go back to their store to help David close down. David hated closing the store even though he was volunteering to do it more and more lately. </p><p>Patrick walked into the unlocked store and frowned, David wasn’t at the counter or on the shop floor which was strange for this time of day, so he called out to him.</p><p>Patrick heard hushed voices and rustling in the back room, he assumed it would be David and Stevie so he made his way across the store and behind the counter to find out what was going on. He definitely wasn’t pleased that the door was unlocked and the store was left unmanned.</p><p>‘David, you do realise that we could have been ro- WHAT the -’ Patrick’s blood ran ice cold.</p><p>David was there alright, but he wasn’t with Stevie. He was with a woman that Patrick didn’t recognise. They both turned to Patrick as he walked in, both in various states of undress (David’s jeans were unbuttoned with the zipper down and his sweater hanging on the back of Patrick’s desk chair), both red faced, both looking guilty as hell! Patrick actually thought he saw the woman’s pale pink underwear balled up in her fist, but to be fair he was so shocked at the scene in front of him he can’t be 100% sure of the minute details.</p><p>Patrick just stood there, stock still, it was like passing a car crash on the highway he couldn’t look away and he actually thought that his heart had stopped. The air felt so thick that he couldn’t catch his breath, his eyes locked in on David’s and Patrick opened his mouth to say something but it was like his brain had short circuited and he had lost all ability to use his eyes and mouth at the same damn time. And why did it sound like a siren was going off in his head?</p><p>David, his husband, the love of this life, his absolute everything, just stared back at him. His eyes wide and mouth opened ‘Patrick, I-‘ whatever he was trying to say seemed to be stuck in his throat.</p><p>Patrick at last regained the use of his brain, he managed to get his feet to move and he turned and walked out. He vaguely heard David calling his name but the ringing and pulsing in his ears was too loud for him to be sure. He just had to get out of there.</p><p>Somehow, Patrick managed to drive back to their cottage in one piece, it must have been muscle memory that got him there because up to this day he doesn’t remember that car journey at all.</p><p>Once inside he headed to their living room, he sat on the sofa then immediately jumped  back up again. He began to pace back and forth trying desperately to gather his thoughts and piece together what he had just witnessed, adrenaline was surging through his body.</p><p>Maybe his eyes were playing tricks on him, maybe he didn’t really see what he thought he saw.</p><p>‘Breathe Patrick, breathe’ he told himself out loud. Maybe there was a perfectly plausible explanation as to why his husband had been in the back room of their store half undressed with a random woman.</p><p>‘FUCK!’ He screamed, hands now on his hair, nails scraping at his scalp in frustration.</p><p>He stopped pacing right in front of their stone fireplace where they have a selection of their most treasured framed pictures. A photo of the Rose family lighting they menorah for Hanukkah and the Brewers together at a baseball game, there’s a photo of both families, including Stevie, together from last Christmas when David and Patrick had hosted at their cottage. It’s a candid shot where no one is actually looking at the camera but everyone is laughing, they were all so happy to be together that day.</p><p>Finally, there’s a photo of Patrick and David on their wedding day. It’s another candid shot, but it was David’s favourite of all the photo’s they took that day. It was taken at their reception, David’s facing the camera laughing at something, his eyes are closed tight but he face is open and bright and beautiful. It’s a full laugh not one of those ones where he’s tried to hide his smile, he has his arm thrown around Patrick’s shoulders. Patrick isn’t looking at the camera, he’s looking at David, just smiling and looking at him like he hung the moon and the stars in sky, like he’s the most beautiful piece of art he’s ever seen, like he would climb a thousand mountains for him.</p><p>Patrick picked up the frame and the picture became a blur as his tear begin to fall. Just at that moment a car pulled into their drive and Patrick sees David jump out, he says something the driver and he makes his way slowly towards their house.</p><p>Patrick hears the crunch from the gravel on the driveway under David’s shoes, then David stepped in the front door which Patrick had apparently neglected to close when he came in. Patrick wiped away his tears, he refuses to cry in front of David, he just needed answers.</p><p>David walked to the living room and stopped tentatively in the doorway, Patrick noticed that the car in the driveway was still there engine still running ready to make a quick getaway at any moment.</p><p>‘Is that your fancy woman?’ Patrick asks bitterly pointing to the driveway with the framed photo still in his hand.</p><p>David makes no attempt to answer, he’s looking down at the ground.</p><p>‘What the hell David? W...why have you done this to us?’ He shouts.</p><p>David runs his tongue along his lower lip then sucks it between his teeth, he’s looking everywhere in the room except at Patrick.</p><p>‘Was it me David, did I do something?’ Patrick ask, his lip quivering and he’s desperately blinking back tears. </p><p>He strides over to where David is standing in the doorway</p><p>‘David, please look at me. Talk to me, please David’ he may not have wanted to cry in front of David but he wasn’t above begging apparently.</p><p>David looked up at him, still biting his bottom lip like he was desperately trying to hold back his words.</p><p>‘David why is that car still in the drive? Please answer me’ Patrick pleads</p><p>Looking at the ground, David took a deep shaky breath and quietly, almost a whisper said the words that Patrick never thought he would hear ‘because I’m leaving you Patrick’</p><p>Patrick heard the sound of shattering glass before he realised what had happen, he looks down at the broken picture frame at their feet. David of the past looking happy and smiling up at him, his breath hitched as he looked up at David of the present who’s face is so closed off and unreadable.</p><p>Patrick felt like he had been stabbed directly in the heart, the pain was so intense he wanted to rip it out of his chest and throw it down at their feet along side the broken glass of the picture frame.</p><p>Patrick took a deep breath and in the strongest voice he could muster he said ‘I still don’t understand, why are you doing this David?’ It wasn’t a strong voice at all, he sounded weak and whiny but he just needed to know.</p><p>David looked him directly in the eye, swallowed and said ‘you said’ he takes a deep breath ‘you said you would make me happy here and I’m not....happy, here with you.’ His voice was small and quiet and tears started to stream down his face as he said the last few words.</p><p>Ok no, this was the most intense pain Patrick had ever felt, not only did it feel like he had been stabbed in the heart but someone was now sticking the shards of glass from the frame in it and stomping on it for good measure.</p><p>‘Wait, this is because I didn’t want to go to New York? You cheated on me because We,’ Patrick motions between the two of them to emphasise his point ‘WE decided TOGETHER that we were not going to live in New York David? Un-FUCKING-believable!’ his voice raising at the end of the sentence </p><p>Patrick took another step forward right into David’s space, breathing in his breath, he felt David’s hot tears fall onto his shirt they burnt his skin underneath. He couldn’t take his eyes of him, he’s was so angry and hurt but he couldn’t fucking take his eyes of him. His beautiful, ridiculous, caring, uncompromising husband was leaving him.</p><p>In a quieter voice Patrick tried to reason with David ‘So let me just get this straight, just so I can understand.’ He continues slowly ‘What you’re saying is, instead of having a conversation with me like an adult, instead of talking to me so we can work this out together, you...you cheat on me and now you’re going to just leave me? Is leaving going to make you happy David?’</p><p>There’s a pause, David lowers his eyes slightly and said ‘Yes’ It was almost a whisper, but Patrick heard it loud and clear.</p><p>Patrick lifted David’s chin up softly so he could look him in the eyes one last time. He stroke a tear away with his thumb. He leaned his forehead against David’s and he closes his eyes. He took a deep breath and whispered ‘I love you David Brewer-Rose’.</p><p>Patrick opened his eyes, he stepped back out of David’s space and he kept backing away slowly still maintaining eye contact. When there was physically nowhere else for him to back up to he turned around and focused his attention on the stone fireplace and the photo of their families together at Christmas, laughing and happy. He refused to watch David leave their home.</p><p>He heard David hesitate for a few seconds before running up the stairs to their bedroom. He heard the sound of drawers and closet doors opening and closing. He heard the bathroom cabinet, where David keeps his skincare, open and then bang shut. He then heard David’s footsteps on the stairs again, he stopped at the doorway of the living room.</p><p>‘Um.....so, I’ll have Stevie call you to arrange picking up the rest of my stuff, um.....at a time that’s convenient for you?’ It’s posed as a question.</p><p>Patrick didn’t answer, he didn’t move, he didn’t turn around, he didn’t make a sound because he knew that if he did any dignity he had left would walk right out of the door behind David and if he had no control over what happens to his marriage then he least wanted to control that.</p><p>‘Goodbye Patrick’ David had said quietly then Patrick heard the front door close softly as he left.</p><p>Patrick turned towards the window and watched as David got into the car that had been waiting for him. He watched as the car backed out of the driveway and drove away with his heart strapped into the passenger seat.</p><p>‘Goodbye David’.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Nothing But The Best</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Apologies in advance for any typo’s, I was rushing to get this one up after the heartbreak of the last chapter x</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stevie is waiting outside the apartment block at the address that she had texted to him when he arrives and parks up.</p><p>She looks absolutely wreaked. Red rimmed eyes, her pale skin looked almost grey and her hair was piled in a messy bun that was just about balancing on the top of her head.</p><p>Patrick jumps out of the car and she practically launches herself into his arms, he holds her close and tight and gives her a soft kiss on her forehead just at the hairline. She seems smaller somehow, more fragile.</p><p>‘I’m so sorry Stevie, I know how much Mr Rose meant to you too’ he says trying to sooth her.</p><p>She pulls back but doesn’t leave his arms ‘Thanks Patrick, and uh....thanks again for coming here, I know this must be hard for you’ </p><p>‘Yeah well, I’m putting you on Patrick welfare check duty once all this is over.’ He says dryly.</p><p>‘Just as long as you promise that you’ll at least take a shower daily, the rest I’ve got covered, mama Brewer gave my her chicken soup recipe but I refuse to make it for you if you’re just gonna make me gag.’ She pretends to makes a fake gagging sound to demonstrate her point.</p><p>Patrick huffs and gives her shoulders a squeeze ‘Thanks Stevie, you’re an amazing friend’</p><p>‘Would you say simply the best?’ She raises her eyebrow at him and he smirks.</p><p>Technically, David had got Stevie in the divorce claiming that he had known her longer and so by default she was his. But, because she lives closer to Patrick, when she wasn’t travelling around the country, their friendship had also remained strong. So they had joint custody of her and her only ground rule for both of them is that they were to never ask her any questions about the other. They both respected that ground rule explicitly.</p><p>‘Here’ she says and hands him a set of keys, ‘you may need these, it’s apartment B13 on the second floor. I’m warning you Patrick, be prepared, it ain’t a pretty sight’ she reaches up and gives him a kiss on the cheek, then walks to her car ‘I’m gonna try and get some sleep, then I’ll visit Mrs Rose and Alexis later if you want to pop by, I’m sure they will be please to see you......despite the circumstances’ </p><p>‘Thanks Stevie, I’ll see how I get on here first, I’ll let you know.’ He says motioning in the general direction of the apartment block.</p><p>Steve shrugs and gets in her car ‘good luck!’ she shouts out of the open window as backs out of her parking space. Patrick waits until she driven off before he turns and heads into the building.</p><p>‘Ok, let’s do this.’ He mumbles to himself as he climbs the stairs to the second floor.</p><p>Patrick stands outside the apartment door debating whether he should knock or use the key, apparently the answer is neither because before he gets the chance to decide he hears David’s agitated voice right behind the door and suddenly it swings open.</p><p>‘Listen Ted, you tell Alex-‘ David’s eyes lock on to Patrick’s, and neither of them move, they’re just......silent, David stands there, phone held against his ear, mouth hung open and his dark eyes wide, just staring directly at Patrick.</p><p>Patrick has no idea if he’s breathing right now, he has no idea if there is any one else in that hallway or if anyone or anything else exists in the world right now except him and David stood there in the hallway either side of the apartment threshold staring at each other.</p><p>Patrick takes in David’s face, he looks tired and pale, he’s wearing glasses which, that’s new, Patrick has never seen him wearing glasses before. His usually well groom hair is free of product and has fallen flat over his forehead and sticking up at the back probably were he’s been lying down or leaning against a cushion for a significant amount of time. He’s wearing an oversized black hoodie and joggers from what Patrick can tell but he’s not really focusing on his clothes, he can’t tear his eyes away from David’s face.</p><p>‘Uhhhh David? Are you still there bud?’ Patrick hears Ted’s voice on the phone.</p><p>‘Umm....yeah, I - I’ve gotta go Ted’ David says slowly and ends the call without waiting for a response. He’s still staring at Patrick as if he might be a mirage in the middle of the dessert that might disappear at any moment and Patrick is still staring at David too afraid to blink in case he’s dreaming and the slightest movement may cause him to wake up. </p><p>Finally after what feels like a lifetime but was only probably twenty seconds David speaks slowly  ‘Um....well, you definitely do not look like my food delivery man person, so...’ he slams the door shut.</p><p>Patrick having lost the ability to form words or in fact breathe just stands there staring open mouthed at the closed door. He finally releases the breath he didn’t realise he was holding.</p><p>Patrick hears a thud sound against the other side of the door, like David has backed into the it and is leaning there.</p><p>Patrick takes a steps forward and lays his forehead and palm flat gently against the door.</p><p>‘David?’ He say’s to the door, his voice coming out scratchy and unsure. He clears his throat and tries again ‘David?’ It’s stronger this time.</p><p>Patrick hears a noise from the stairwell and he quickly steps back and removes his hand from the door, it’s a food delivery. The man is slowly walking towards him checking apartment numbers along the way.</p><p>‘Delivery for apartment B13.’ He says once he reaches Patrick and he pulls out a number of containers from his delivery bag.</p><p>Patrick nods and shows him the keys in his hand as if that’s some kind of proof that he lives here but he’s standing outside the door just for the sake of it. the guy looks at him, looks at the keys then shrugs and hands over the food containers. Patrick pulls out his wallet whilst trying to balance everything and tips him. The delivery man nods and says  ‘thanks man’ and leaves, walking back towards the stairwell.</p><p>Patrick turns back to the apartment door, it’s still firmly closed.</p><p>‘David, your foods here, it’s gonna get cold, please open the door’ he says softly, he knows David is still stood on the other side, he can sense him, he can feel his presence ‘David come on, open the door, please’ he says a little louder.</p><p>‘Why are you here?’ David asks, his voice sounds hoarse. </p><p>‘I heard about your Dad David, I’m so sorry’ he pauses, ‘please open the door so....so you can eat something and then we can talk if you want, or not’</p><p>‘Can you.....can you just leave the food there and um....go now please? I’d really appreciate that, thank you.’</p><p>‘Not gonna happen David, open the door’ Patrick says firmly.</p><p>He hears David make a huffing sound ‘Who needs food anyway, right’</p><p>Patrick let’s out a small laugh ‘um, I’m pretty sure you do David’ he chuckles to himself remember David’s joyful smile and wide eyes whenever Patrick would make him a fresh stack of pancakes and streaky bacon on a Sunday morning, he’d drown them in maple syrup and he’d moan obscenely with every mouthful that would pass his lips. ‘Actually, it was a long drive and I’m feeling kinda hungry, so if you don’t want this, I might just - ‘</p><p>An apartment door across the hall opens and Patrick spins around to see a blond haired man dressed in his pyjamas and slippers step out ‘hey’ he says to Patrick in a loud whisper ‘it’s 6.30 man, is there any way you could keep the noise down, we have a baby in here.’</p><p>‘Yeah, sorry.....sorry, we’ll uh keep it down.’ Patrick reassures him.</p><p>The man gives Patrick the once over then nods and goes back into his apartment.</p><p>Patrick hears David’s apartment door open behind him and he turns back to look at it. It’s just slightly ajar now, Patrick takes that as an invitation for him to enter. His heart is racing and his mouth feels like it’s full of cotton balls. He takes a deep breath and with the containers still in his hands he walks forward using his shoulder to push the door open further. David is no longer behind it, Patrick walks slowly into the apartment kicking the door gently closed behind him.</p><p>He takes in the open plan living space, it’s large with big windows, hard wood flooring and off white walls, it’s very “on brand” for David Rose.</p><p>David walks out of a door on the left side of the apartment, Patrick presumes it’s a bedroom or bathroom. His hood is up over his head covering his hair and he’s taken off his glasses.</p><p>‘You can put those up there’ David nods towards the large marble kitchen island. He doesn’t look at Patrick.</p><p>‘Sure’ says Patrick, he walks towards the island and places the containers down. He leans his hip against the counter and looks at David who is currently standing with his back to him staring out of one of the large windows.</p><p>‘David, do you wanna eat, shall I fix you a plate?’ Patrick starts opening and closing cabinets and drawers looking for plates and cutlery.</p><p>‘Stop’ he hears David say quietly</p><p>‘David you need to eat something, just let me - ‘</p><p>David turns towards him ‘Patrick, PLEASE STOP!’ He shouts, ‘why, why the hell are you here!? I don’t need you to be here Patrick, I don’t want you here, whhhhy, are you here?’ He’s practically hysterical now, his eyes dark, his bottom lip slightly trembling.</p><p>Patrick remembers what Stevie told him about David shouting at Alexis and not letting Stevie near him. He can only compare his behaviour to a wounded animal trying to protect itself from further hurt or danger, he knows that David wants help, needs help and there’s no way he’s going to leave him like this.</p><p>Patrick rounds the island and is standing a couple of feet in front of David in just a few strides, he stands there his chest heaving with heavy breaths he’s looking at David, he doesn’t speak and he doesn’t touch him but he holds his arms out slightly, palms facing up. </p><p>David looks down at Patrick’s outstretched arms for a long while then his eye’s drifts up at Patrick’s, his lip is trembling uncontrollably now, his eyes brimming with unshed tears. He takes a tentative step forward still looking directly at Patrick, then another small step, they are face to face now, Patrick slowly brings his arms up and wraps them around David. David’s body is tense, his arms remain by his side.</p><p>Patrick draws him in closer his arms and hands now splayed across David’s back, like he’s holding on tight to something precious that he’s afraid to drop. He tries, he really does but his nose and lips automatically finds it’s spot on David’s neck like a home seeking device. He takes a deep breath in and he feels David’s body relax in his arms. David wraps his arms around Patrick’s shoulders. They stand there like that for what seems like hours but it’s probably just a few minutes. Patrick feels wetness on his temples where David’s face meets his then David’s body starts to shake uncontrollably and he practically goes limp in Patrick’s arms. Patrick is desperately trying to hold David up but he’s fighting a losing battle so they both sink to the ground. David’s sobbing and shaking and Patrick is holding on to him for dear life. </p><p>Patrick draws his knees up so that his feet are firmly planted on the ground, he positions David so he’s sat between his legs, David’s legs are drawn up and tucked under Patrick’s, his shoulder tucked under Patrick’s arm with the side of his head resting on Patrick’s chest on his left side, above Patrick’s heart. Patrick’s wraps his arms firmly around David torso and arms. </p><p>They sit there for a few minutes David silently and softly crying with Patrick holding him, rocking him and whispering placating word into the top of David’s hoodie. Patrick looks out at the cityscape outside of the large window in front of them, he knows now that he made the right decision to come here.</p><p>Finally, David makes a soft sniffing sound and says ‘can you believe that the last thing I told my dad was that I was too busy to speak to him’ another sniff ‘he was going on and on about some new motel they’d added to the franchise in the back of no-where’ another sniff ‘I basically switched off while he continued to talk about some shitty roadside motel, then I cut him off’ another sniff ‘I basically told he that I’d rather be doing anything else than listen to him drone on about this -‘ David tried to make a gesture with his hand but Patrick still had his arms tightly wrapped around him so it ends up being a limp movement of his wrist instead ‘stupid motel, he asked me how I was doing and basically I said I was fine and rushed him off the phone. I don’t even think I said goodbye, Patrick. I don’t remember, I think I just....I just ended the call’ his body shuddered and he takes a shaky deep breath in ‘I didn’t say goodbye Patrick, I didn’t get to say goodbye’ the tears are flowing again as he whispers ‘I was too late’</p><p>Patrick strokes his hand up and down David arm and continues to rocks him slightly for a few minutes. David doesn’t speak again so Patrick takes a breath and whispers into David’s hood ‘David your dad was very proud of you, he loved you and Alexis very much.’ Another sniff from David let’s Patrick know that he’s listening ‘Did I ever tell you about the time he tried to have “the chat”with me?’</p><p>‘What!’ David lifts his head off Patrick’s chest and looks up at him with a look of confusion, his brow furrowed. </p><p>Patrick gives him a small smile and raises his hand to smooth his finger across David’s brow. ‘Yeah, it was that day that you and your mom went wine tasting and I was at the motel watching the game. He came in and sat with me for a while, he was trying so hard to broach the subject of......’ Patrick take a steadying breath ‘of us, you know, getting married. He wanted to make sure that I was going to treat you right and look after you and to respect and protect you, I told him that I would always try my best’ Patrick instinctively squeezes David tighter, his heart beat racing now. He needs to get off the subject of their marriage, he cleared his throat ‘anyway, he just wanted nothing but the best for you, he was happy when he knew that you were happy’</p><p>‘Thank you Patrick’ David say quietly, he’s still looking up at him, they continue to look into each other’s eyes for a few seconds more until Patrick breaks their eye contact and looks back out of the window. David lays his head back on Patrick’s chest.</p><p>After a few minutes they both hear David’s stomach rumble.</p><p>‘Someone’s hungry, ready to eat now?’ Patrick asks quietly.</p><p>‘Yeah, but just.....one more minute’ David say closing his eyes and snuggles in closer.</p><p>Patrick has been trying so hard to not be affected by having his ex-husband in his arms, smelling his scent, feeling the warmth of his body against him. When David had looked up at him Patrick wanted so badly to get lost in his eyes he had to look away because it could, no, it would happen so easily. David’s soft pink lips were so close to his in that moment, if David had closed the gap and kissed him Patrick knew he would not be able to resist him. God he was so helpless when he was around David Rose.</p><p>David’s stomach rumbles again breaking Patrick’s thoughts and signalling that they should probably get off the floor and get some food. </p><p>David gets to his feet first and holds out his hand to help Patrick up which he gratefully accepts. He’s not sure how long they had been sitting on the floor but his ass was completely numb and his legs were very stiff. David pulls him up and Patrick right leg buckles slightly, David reaches out to grab him with both hands on Patrick’s waist.</p><p>‘Whoa there’ David says ‘some of us are obviously not as young as we used to be huh’ he giggles a little, shimmies his shoulders and tightens his grip on Patrick waist. Patrick feels his heart rate rocket up again.</p><p>‘Well we can’t all be thirty five every birthday for fives years in a row David’ Patrick volley’s back, he taps David’s arms ‘I think I’m good now, thanks’.</p><p>David hesitates momentarily before dropping his hands from Patrick’s waist. He turns and heads towards the kitchen area and starts opening the containers that Patrick had placed there earlier.</p><p>‘Um, I hate to ask but....but I left home at three this morning and didn’t have time to take a shower or anything so would it be possible if I just use your...’ </p><p>‘Oh my god Patrick of course, please, let me get you some towels’ David starts to head towards one of the doors ‘Um....do you need anything else, did you bring any stuff with you?’</p><p>‘Yeah, yes, my bag is in my car, I....I didn’t want to bring it up here and presume anything, you know’ Patrick says shyly.</p><p>David rolls his eye’s, bites down a smile and carry’s on towards the door.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Jude</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hhhmmmm, Jude seems so familiar 🤔</p>
<p>CW: A tiny reference to some smut.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Patrick makes his way downstairs to grab his bag, once he gets to his car he takes a minute to catch his breath and process his thoughts. He pulls out his phone to check if he has any messages.</p>
<p>Jude: Patrick, I can not believe you just walked out on me!<br/>
Jude: I really hope David appreciates you driving up there in the middle night Patrick!<br/>
Jude: call me<br/>
Jude: please<br/>
Jude: if you really want to talk when you get back, then fine, let’s talk<br/>
Jude: look, I didn’t want to say this before because I didn’t want to spook you but I think I could be falling in love with you Patrick. I know it’s only been just over three months but I really think we could have a future together.<br/>
Jude: Patrick you confided in my that you might be too scared to commit to anyone again because of what happened, I’m so thankful that you trusted me enough to tell me everything. I’m so sure that if you open your heart to me, I can help you forget all of that.<br/>
Jude: I promise you Patrick, I would never hurt you the way he did.<br/>
Jude: please reply Patrick, I miss you x</p>
<p>When Patrick met Jude he thought maybe he could be the one to end this funk that Patrick had allowed to consume him. </p>
<p>Once he return home from his parents to resume some sort of normal life, he kept himself busy throughout the day with work, often starting his day early with a hike and finishing late into the evening and if his thoughts turned to David, he would quickly shake himself out of it. But he couldn’t avoid his thoughts whilst laying in bed alone in the darkness with sleep evaded him. When he finally managed to sleep he always dreamt about David. He couldn’t even jerk off without thinking about him, it seemed like his body and mind were punishing him because the only way he could come was to picture David’s face, his hands, his smile. He hated himself for it.</p>
<p>Patrick had heard the saying “to get over someone you should get under someone else” so he tried that tactic. At first he didn’t want to date anyone, he just wanted unadulterated hook-up sex. He would met guys in bars or through hook up apps and most nights Patrick found himself with some random for a quick blow job, hand job or, if he allowed it, fuck. This went on for a couple of months but Patrick couldn’t shake the empty feeling he had and when he got into his own bed at night he would still dream about David.</p>
<p>So he changed tact. He decided to go on dates, the logic being that if he took the time to get to know someone, go to dinner or for drinks or to a movie, he wouldn’t feel so empty. And he tried he really did but he just couldn’t find anyone he wanted to get serious about, things would just fizzle out after a few dates because Patrick would inevitably lose interest.</p>
<p>Then he met Jude. It was a Thursday evening and Patrick had decided to have a quick beer after a stressful day at work. It was relatively quiet for a Thursday night and Patrick was sat at the bar when Jude walked in. Jude immediately caught Patrick’s attention, he was tall with dark exotic features and a mega watt smile. Jude sat down at the bar a few stools along from Patrick and ordered his drink, when it arrived he sipped it slowly and Patrick, whilst idly tearing at the label of his beer bottle, just watched him.</p>
<p>‘Would you like to take a picture?’ Jude had asked, he was looking at his drink but it was obvious that he was talking to Patrick.</p>
<p>Busted Brewer Patrick thought to himself. He felt the heat rise to his cheeks, he was definitely blushing.</p>
<p>‘I’d rather buy you a drink’ he replied.</p>
<p>Jude turned to look at Patrick almost like he was assessing him then he shrugged and said ‘sure, ok’ </p>
<p>Patrick moved over to the bar stool next to Jude he offered his hand and said ‘I’m Patrick’</p>
<p>Jude shook it, smiled and said ‘Jude’.</p>
<p>They talked and laughed together for the rest of the night. Jude was animated and talked with his hands, Patrick was mesmerised. When they were kicked out at closing time, Patrick realised that for the first time in a long time he felt good, David hadn’t crossed his mind all evening.</p>
<p>‘I’d like to see you again Jude, maybe I could take you out for dinner?’ He asked.</p>
<p>‘I’d like that’ Jude replied shyly ‘when were you thinking?’</p>
<p>Patrick looked down at his shoes and kicked a random stone, he liked how he was feeling right now, he didn’t want to wait a week or even days to feel like this again so he said ‘well, I was thinking maybe tomorrow night? If you don’t already have any other plans that is’</p>
<p>There was a pause, Patrick didn’t want to look up, he knew he sounded a little desperate and he didn’t want Jude to see that desperation in his eyes.</p>
<p>‘It must be your lucky night Patrick, I actually don’t have any plans for tomorrow’ Patrick look up finally and Jude was smiling at him, Patrick couldn’t help but smile back. They exchanged numbers and arranged to meet the following evening for dinner. </p>
<p>When Patrick got home that night he still had a smile on his face, he checked his phone before getting into bed and he had a text from Jude.</p>
<p>Jude: it was lovely meeting you Patrick, I had a great time. I’m really looking forward to our date tomorrow, see you then x</p>
<p>Patrick replied.</p>
<p>Patrick: I really enjoyed your company tonight and I’m very much looking forward to tomorrow too. Good night Jude.</p>
<p>Jude: good night Patrick x</p>
<p>Patrick got into bed and for the first time that he could remember, he fell asleep immediately and he didn’t dream about David.</p>
<p>After that first night Patrick and Jude spent as much time together as was physically possible. Jude would meet Patrick for lunch most days and they spent nearly every evening and night together either out on a fun date or staying in ordering take out or Patrick would cook and they would perhaps watch a movie if they managed to keep their hands off each other long enough. Patrick really enjoyed Jude’s company, he was funny and lively and dramatic and not to mention the sex was unbelievable. Patrick was starting to feel alive again, he was starting to feel, dare he even say it, happy? </p>
<p>Patrick hadn’t quite felt comfortable telling Jude everything about is marriage. Jude knew that Patrick was divorced but that was all the information Patrick was willing to give him when they first started dating and Jude never pushed the issue. At this point Patrick’s therapists were the only ones who knew the whole story.</p>
<p>Then one night after about a month together Patrick had a particularly vivid dream about David, He jumped out of his sleep and Jude shot up beside him.</p>
<p>‘Patrick?’ He said sleepily ‘it’s ok, it was just a bad dream, you’re ok’ he tried to sooth him by rubbing his back and lightly scratching at the nape of his neck.</p>
<p>The dream was so vivid, they were in their cottage, Patrick was making David pancakes and David was mindlessly talking away behind him. It’s what they had done nearly every Sunday since they had moved there. It was perfect domestic bliss and Patrick loved it. Sunday was his favourite day of the week because the store was closed and they got to spend it alone together mostly curled up on the sofa their bodies entangled almost becoming one being. They would lie together and watch movies or read or just talking and make plans for their future.</p>
<p>So in his dream Patrick was making pancakes when David steps up behind him at the stove and he wrapped his arms around Patrick’s waist. Patrick looked down and smiled, he could see the rings on David fingers, four gold on his right hand and one on his left. David sighed in Patrick’s ear and Patrick could feel the warmth of his breath against his cheek, then David whispered softly ‘I’m leaving you Patrick’. Patrick dropped the spatula that he was using to flip the pancakes and spun around but David had disappeared, the kitchen was empty.</p>
<p>That’s when he woke up. </p>
<p>Jude was still rubbing his back and looking at him with concerned eyes. Patrick looked at him and then he couldn’t hold it back any longer, he blinked and it was as if he’d opened the floodgates, his tears started falling uncontrollably. Jude then wrapped his arms around Patrick and held him tight.</p>
<p>‘Oh my god Patrick’ Jude whisper ‘what’s wrong babe? What did you dream about?’</p>
<p>Patrick took a deep shuddering breath and with his face snuggled against Jude’s chest, he told him everything.</p>
<p>Patrick reads over the texts from Jude a second time he rubbed his eyes and lets out a deep sigh. He felt like this was Rachel 2.0. On one hand he could leave here in a couple of days and jump back into things with Jude he really really liked him and things would be good. Jude is sweet and caring, a little bratty sometime but Patrick had handled worse. Jude made him smile and he was great in bed. For three months that had been enough for Patrick, he felt good.</p>
<p>On the other hand, he was here, now, and he has been reminded of how David makes him feel with just a simple touch, or a small smile or even just hearing him say his name. He hates to admit it but the feelings he has for Jude just doesn’t quite compare. </p>
<p>He’s been chasing those feelings for nearly two years now and he had really thought he had found it with Jude. Patrick has no idea what being here means but even if nothing happens between him and David, he knows now that he deserves to feel more than just “good” in a any relationship. He wants to feel fireworks from the simplest of touches, he wants his heart to melt with the smallest of smiles and wants the butterflies fluttering in his stomach every time he hears his name. </p>
<p>Maybe that would happen with Jude, maybe he’s right, maybe he just need to open his heart up again and give Jude a chance and maybe, eventually, he could fall in love with him.</p>
<p>Patrick: hey, thanks for everything you said in your text, I promise we will talk. I miss you too.</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Citrus and Musk</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>CW: A short and somewhat smutty chapter 😉</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Patrick grabs his bag and heads back upstairs to David’s apartment.</p><p>‘Hey’ he say shyly was he walks in.</p><p>David is sat at the kitchen Island eating pancakes and looking at his phone, he looks up when Patrick enters and smiles ‘Hi, I thought I was going to have to send out a search party.’</p><p>‘Uh, yeah, I had a few things to sort out, you know, I kind of left in a rush this morning, so...’ wanting to change the subject he quickly asks ‘where can I get those towels you promised me?’</p><p>David points his fork in the direction of the door he came out of earlier ‘they’re in the bathroom, just in there. Help yourself to any of the products, what’s mine is yours’ he says playfully before looking back at his phone and continuing to eat his pancakes.</p><p>‘Thanks’ Patrick says quietly before making his way to the bathroom.</p><p>Patrick closes the door behind him, he turns the shower on and he undresses whilst the water warms up. David has left a stack of fluffy white towels on the vanity for him. Just behind them is a row of David’s skincare product neatly laid out, most of the items he recognises as oldies but goodies as David use to call them, there a couple of new products that Patrick doesn’t recognise.</p><p>The bathroom is steaming up nicely so Patrick steps into the large walk in shower and let’s the warm water cascade over his hair, face and body for a long minute. He sees a shelf with David shower products and reaches for the shampoo, he flips the cap and pours some out into his palm, the warm vanilla scent immediately attacking his senses and pulling up memories of the fun showers Patrick and David used to take together. David would wash Patrick’s hair for him and give him a scalp massage, it would feel divine. Patrick closes his eyes and washes his hair with the shampoo and allows himself to imagine that his fingers are David’s. He rinses and grabs for another bottle, this time shower gel. He pours a generous amount into his palm and the scent is citrus and musk, this brings Patrick right back to the night before David left, this was the last scent that he had smelt on David before drifting off to sleep. They had had amazing sex that night, Patrick starts to run his hands down his body as he allows himself to get lost in David’s heady scent, he remembers the way that David had touched and kissed and sucked and fucked him that night. Sex with Jude was fantastic but no one has ever come close to making Patrick feel the way that David had. </p><p>With that memory in his head and David’s scent filling his senses Patrick’s cock is now hard and begging to be touched would it be wrong to get himself off in his ex-husband shower? Is there an unwritten rule somewhere that says it’s not allowed? Would it be weird? </p><p>Patrick needed to do something about it because if the rest the day entails more holding and comforting David then he definitely didn’t want to have to deal with a stray hard on at a moments notice.</p><p>So decision made, he would deal with the unwritten rule makers at a later date, but right he had a throbbing cock that needs attention.</p><p>Patrick grabs a little more shower gel and runs his slick palm up the underside of this cock from base to tip, he let out a small moan, he’d have to be quiet with David just on the other side of the door. He wraps his hand around his cock and starts with long slow strokes, he closes his eyes. What if David were to walk in right now and see him, Patrick ups the pace on his cock at the thought of being caught in the act by his ex husband. What if David came in and asks ‘would you like a hand with that?’. What if it was David’s hand stroking and pulling and twisting on his hard cock right now ‘Fuck, David -‘ Patrick whispers. He’s close, he can feel the familiar sensation pulsing through his body and he ups the pace whilst imagining David’s dark eyes, his hands, his smile, his mouth, god, his mouth. That was it, Patrick comes hard as David’s name tumbles from his lips.</p><p>He leans against the cool tiles to catch his breath, he hasn’t come that intensely in a very long time. After a few seconds he turns off the taps and grabs a towel to dry off. When he steps out of the shower he catches a glimpse of himself in the small section of the vanity mirror that hasn’t steamed up. Should he be feeling ashamed of himself? He hasn’t allowed himself to fantasize about David in a long time, please don’t let this be a relapse in my recovery, he thinks. Hopefully he can go back home in a couple of days and resume where he’d left off with perfectly fine David free orgasms. This only happened because David is here, he thinks to himself. Of course this was going to happen, David is in the forefront of his mind, this will all go back to being fine once he leaves David’s orbit.</p><p>Patrick dresses quickly in his jeans and a t-shirt conscious that he’s been in the bathroom for a very long time and heads out into the main living space.</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Decisions</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>David’s now on the sofa looking at his phone with the television on in the background. He twists in his seat to face Patrick ‘feeling refreshed?’ He asks.</p><p>Patrick’s blushing, he knows he is, he just hopes that David doesn’t noticed. ‘Yeah, your showers amazing, thanks again.’ Patrick goes back to the front door and drops his bag. David watches him curiously.</p><p>‘Are you leaving?’ He asks sadly</p><p>‘No no, I just didn’t really know where to put it, so.....’ Patrick shrugs.</p><p>David’s smiles back and Patrick’s heart fucking melts, shit!</p><p>‘I saved you some pancakes and I made you a tea, you must be starving’ David has gone back to looking at his phone so Patrick’s heart is safe for now.</p><p>‘Thanks, I am.’ Patrick says as head over to sit at the island. He’s ravenous, the last time he ate was at dinner yesterday evening so even though the pancakes are a little rubbery and tea is lukewarm he’s thankful for it.</p><p>‘Ummm’ David starts ‘so Alexis has given my mother a pill which should have her knocked out for the rest of the day and she’s with Ted “processing”’ David makes air quotes with his fingers ‘and Steve has had to have some emergency Rosebud Group meetings so she’s pretty much tied up for the rest of the day. So, I was wondering how you felt about just chilling out here, with me, I don’t know if you had any other plans. We could watch some movies, order take out for dinner and I have some pretty good wine and or whisky if your interested?’ He asks, the look on his face hopeful.</p><p>‘Ah, I have no plans so that all sounds great to me’ a look of relief washes of David’s face and that damn smile is back again. Patrick had forgotten how easily he could read David’s expressions. </p><p>Patrick finishes eating and clears everything away and heads over to the sofa which is huge! It’s plush, made of velvet in a charcoal grey colour, it could seat up to four or five grown adults easily. The seats are deep, so deep in fact that when Patrick sits down and sits back his feet aren’t touching the ground. David is current sat crossed legged on the chaise section which could easily double up as a double bed.</p><p>‘So what do you want to watch’ David asks.</p><p>‘No, David, I’m not falling for that one’ Patrick laughs ‘let’s save ourselves some time here and you just choose the movie because we both know that anything I choose will be incorrect’ they’re both laughing now.</p><p>‘Not if you choose a Julia Roberts or Sandra Bullock movie it won’t be’ </p><p>Patrick rolls is eyes ‘Ok David’ </p><p>They are both just looking at each other now. Patrick used to say that all the time, it was his thing, it was his way of saying ‘I’m happy if you’re happy’ but not in as many words. </p><p>Patrick drops his gaze, everything was just too intense for a split second, he needed to unravel his thoughts. David could obviously sense something awkward was happening so he jumps up off the sofa declaring that he is going to make popcorn.</p><p>‘Patrick do you want to change into something more comfy? As lovely as your jeans are, they are not made for optimal lounging!’ David does his cute little shimmy shoulder dance ‘Do you want to borrow a pair of my joggers?’ He asks.</p><p>Patrick narrows his eyes ‘David, did you just call my jeans lovely’ Patrick asks with a smirk on his face</p><p>David looks up from his popcorn making situation, raises an eyebrow and says ‘I was being sarcastic’</p><p>‘No, no, David, I heard what I heard, I alway knew deep down you like them’ he winks at David ‘at least I know what to get you if I ever have to buy you gift’ Patrick smiles delighted by the look of disgust and horror that crosses David’s face. ‘So um....sure if I could borrow some joggers that would be great, I kind of packed in a hurry and didn’t think to pack any of my own’. He hadn’t had much time to clearly think about what he was packing and he also had Jude to contend with too.</p><p>‘Sure, the bedroom is that door there, you should find some in the first or second drawer in my closet’ he says ‘I would get them but I don’t want to leave this on the stove, the smell of burnt popcorn is a nightmare to air out’</p><p>Patrick heads to the door that David had pointed at and walks in. The room is serene, with almost the same sand and stone colour scheme that their store had. The bed is huge of course, David Rose never does anything by half and Patrick could tell just by looking that the bedding was plush and the best quality thread count. The only other furniture in room is two antique looking nightstands either side of the bed and a bench at the end of it. He makes his way to the walk in closet, it’s huge, all of David’s knits are folded neatly along the right hand wall all colour coordinated of course, the majority are black but there are some whites, greys and the occasional oranges and blues.</p><p>The far wall is a mirror from floor to ceiling which made Patrick jump when he turned and saw his own reflection thinking that someone else was in there with him. He chuckled at himself. </p><p>On the left hand side there’s a section for hung items, again coordinated and arranged by colour and next to that are two dresser, side by side. What had David said, first or second drawer, but which dresser?</p><p>Patrick opens the first drawer of the dresser closest to him, it definitely did not contain joggers, this was David’s underwear drawer. Patrick ran his hand lightly across the neatly folded items, he knew they’d feel soft, David had always had impeccable taste in clothes and fabrics. Patrick paused for a second, am I being a creep? he asked himself, no, it’s not like he had picked up a pair and sniffed them, now that would definitely be creep territory!</p><p>Patrick notices a folded piece of what looked like white card in the front corner of the drawer, he really has no right to be so nosy but curiosity got the better of him. He picks up the folded piece of card and opens it, his breath hitches and his heart almost stops beating.</p><p>It’s a photo, their wedding photo, the same one that had lived on their stone fireplace at one time, the one with David laughing and Patrick looking at him. David must have made a copy because Patrick still has the original.</p><p>Patrick runs a finger over David of the pasts face and smiles, that had been unequivocally the best day of his life, his heart was so full of love and the fact that he was professing that love to David in front of their friends and family meant everything to him. He looked at Patrick of the past, his unbridled love for his husband written all over his face. Was he ever going to that happy again?</p><p>‘Patrick, what’s taking so long?’ He hear David shout from the living room.</p><p>Patrick quickly and carefully returns the photo to the corner of the drawer and closes it. He does a quick scan of the next drawer down and find a nice, soft, worn in pair of black joggers and puts them on. He folds his jeans and leaves them on the bench in the bedroom and heads back to the living room.</p><p>‘I’m back, what movie did you choose?’ Patrick asks as he approaches the sofa.</p><p>David pats the space next to him on the chaise section, there are throw cushions behind him and he’s covered his legs with a big wool blanket. Patrick hesitates for a second, he looks at David who is shovelling popcorn into his mouth then he takes a seat stretching out is legs in front of him.</p><p>‘Sleepless in Seattle’ he says around a mouthful of popcorn.</p><p>‘Ughhh, David we’ve seen this movie a million times’ Patrick says settling in under the blanket</p><p>‘So there’s no harm in watching it a million and one times then.’ He says and he actually pouts and flutters his eyelashes at Patrick.</p><p>There would have been a time when Patrick would have sucked that pouty lip and kissed that petulant look off his face. Not today though, today he just shakes his head, smiles and says ‘ok, David’.</p><p>They snuggle down into the cushions and under the blanket with a respectable distance between them. David has pulled the blackout blinds down over the windows so the room is dark except for the tv and a few LED under the counter lights in the kitchen behind them. It’s cozy and warm and after the long and emotional day that Patrick has had so far, it only takes fifteen minutes into the movie for his heavy eyelids to close and he falls asleep.</p><p>When he opens his eyes, the first thing Patrick sees is David’s face. It’s right there, in front of him. David has fallen asleep too, he’s breathing lightly and evenly. Patrick doesn’t want to move a muscle, he doesn’t want to wake him, he just wants to lie here and look at this beautiful face, drink it in, explore and discover every new blemish, freckle and wrinkle that has surfaced over the last two year. </p><p>Ok, now I am really being a creep, he thinks to himself. He gently turns his body so he is now looking up at the ceiling. Patrick has not allowed himself to think about how he feels about David right here, in this present time. He really wanted to put his feelings a side and just be here for him, but he can’t deny how strongly he’s feeling right here in this moment. </p><p>After the divorce Patrick had often thought about all the questions he would ask David if he ever saw him again, but it’s been over two years now, did Patrick still need those same questions answered or was he over it? Could he just leave it in the past and move on? He has Jude now so surely he should just move on and try to move forward.</p><p>His thoughts are interrupted by David shifting slightly, Patrick turns to look at him and his eyes are open and he’s just looking at Patrick.</p><p>‘Penny for them’ David says quietly.</p><p>‘Huh?’ Patrick asks confused.</p><p>‘Penny for your thoughts, you seemed really deep in thought, wanna share?’</p><p>‘Is that really the going rate?’ Patrick tries to joke.</p><p>‘Ha ha’ David say sarcastically, then on a more serious tone ‘no really, if you want to talk, we can’.</p><p>Patrick turns to look back at the ceiling, he bites his lip then says ‘this isn’t about me today David. I’m supposed to be here for you, I’m here to make sure that you’re ok’</p><p>‘Well, I’m ok’ he says softly ‘for now. I’m feeling stronger with every minute that passes’ he pauses and takes a breath ‘thanks to you’.</p><p>Patrick really doesn’t know how to respond to that instead he say ‘David, does this feel strange at all to you, us being here together after all this time?’</p><p>David doesn’t say anything for a long while, Patrick actual turns to look at him to make sure he hasn’t fallen back to sleep. David then leans up on his left arm, his face now just inches from Patrick’s as he hovers above him.</p><p>‘You know, I’ve thought of many scenarios where we might see each other again an -‘</p><p>‘You have?’ Patrick interrupts, David rolls his eyes and gives him a look that say ‘of course’</p><p>‘When I thought about those scenarios, it would be perfect, you know, like maybe you’d walk past a restaurant and I would be at a table by the window, or I’d be strolling in a park and spot you in the distance doing something sporty, or even, in a bar perhaps.’</p><p>‘Ok, and what would usually be the outcome of those scenarios?’ Patrick asks curiously.</p><p>David bites his bottom lip and looks off at something in the distance ‘Umm, you would say hello, cause you’re you and your mother taught you how to be polite’ he rolls his eyes again and smiles, then still not looking at Patrick he continues ‘and then you would introduce me to your partner, whoever was with you, by your side, holding your hand, making you happy.’ He shrugs as if to say no big deal ‘that would actually be enough for me, I wouldn’t need to see you again after that’</p><p>Patrick shakes his head in confusion ‘I don’t understand, what do you mean?’</p><p>‘I’d just want to know that you were happy, you deserve that.’ He looks down at Patrick now as if asking the silent question with his with eyes.</p><p>It’s Patrick’s turn to look away now.</p><p>‘Well this,’ David makes a circular motion in the general direction of them both ‘this was definitely not one of the scenarios that I thought up, that would actually be too morbid even for me. So yeah, this is really pretty fucking strange Patrick’ he smiles again.</p><p>‘And’ he continues ‘do you know what else is strange?’ David is now throwing the blanket off himself and stretching his arms upwards ‘the fact that we have not ordered our dinner and even more stranger than that’ he pauses for dramatic effect ‘we have not opened the wine!’</p><p>‘Agreed, agreed, it’s very strange, we had better fix this strange situation immediately, you order the take out, I’ll open the wine and get the glasses’ Patrick says sitting up.</p><p>David gets up and walks towards the kitchen, he switches on a few overhead lights on his way. ‘Pizza ok?’ He asks.</p><p>‘Sure’ Patrick replies.</p><p>David grabs his phone and speed dials the number. Patrick joins him the kitchen and mouths ‘where’s the wine?’ David points to one of the cabinets just as he say ‘hi, I’d like to place an order for delivery please.....’ </p><p>Patrick grabs a bottle of red and searches the drawers for a corkscrew. He finds it just as he hears David place their pizza order, David hadn’t asked Patrick what he wanted, yet here he is reeling off Patrick’s favourite pizza toppings perfectly like it was something he did every Friday night. Patrick also hears him order mozzarella sticks, he raises is eyebrow at him and David raises one back.</p><p>Patrick opens the wine and puts it on the counter to let if breath whilst they wait for their food. David heads off to the bathroom, whilst he’s in there Patrick realises that he’s left his phone in his jeans pocket so he heads to the bedroom and grabs it. He’s back in the kitchen before David exits the bathroom where it seems he’s maybe added some product to his hair as he has removed his hood and whilst not in the most classic of David Rose styles, his hair is tamer than it had been before. David is also now wearing his glasses.</p><p>‘So, um.....when did this happen?’ Patrick asks pointing to David face.</p><p>David’s lip curls up and he makes a distressed sound ‘uurghhh, I hate that you’re seeing me in these, but I have to wear them. I started getting quite bad headaches about a year ago if I had been looking at screens for too long, so...’ he gestures towards his face. ‘No-one sees me with these, well except Stevie and Alexis’</p><p>‘Of course’ comments Patrick and smirks</p><p>‘So you are very privileged Mr Brewer, please treat it like the gift that it is’ David says now leaning on the island with his face in his hands next the Patrick.</p><p>Patrick turns towards David taking in his face and smiles ‘Well I think you look very cute and I’m honoured to be one of the chosen few who gets to see this, so -‘ Patrick is interrupt by his phone vibrating, he looks at it and Jude’s name and profile picture flashes up on the screen. He looks at David who is also looking at the down at the screen and says ‘I’m just gonna.....can I -‘ Patrick points to the bedroom and David shoo’s him off in that direction.</p><p>‘Hey, Jude’ Patrick says just as he closes the bedroom door, he glances up just before the door shut and catches David still looking as him, he’s chewing his bottom lip and looks pensive.</p><p>‘Hey Patrick, I’m so glad you picked up, I was really worried you wouldn’t’ Jude say hesitantly.</p><p>‘Yeah, I guess we didn’t really leave things in a good way’</p><p>‘No we didn’t. So, how’s the day been, how are the Rose’s and Stevie holding up?’ Jude asks.</p><p>Patrick doesn’t want to lie, he’s not a liar, he believes in honesty in relationships. He’s  always been up front and honest in every relationship he’s had since David. He’s made sure from the start that if something is just casual he would say and most of his relationships had been just that, until Jude.</p><p>As much as he likes Jude and doesn’t want to hurt him, he can’t lie to him, he wouldn’t be able to live with himself.</p><p>Patrick swallows and says ‘I haven’t actually seen Alexis and Mrs Rose yet’</p><p>‘Oh’ is all Jude says which Patrick guesses is his queue to continue.</p><p>‘Yeah, I saw Stevie briefly first thing and then I’ve just been here with David really’ he tries to sound as casual as he can, like it’s no big deal.</p><p>There’s a long pause then ‘so, it’s just been the two of you, like, hanging out?’</p><p>‘Yeah. Look Jude his dad’s just died, I’m just trying to be a friend, you know.’ </p><p>‘Does he not have any other friends that he can call?’ Patrick can hear the anger rising in Jude’s voice.</p><p>‘Jude, come on’ he says trying to placate him.</p><p>‘Don’t “Jude, come on”, me Patrick’ Jude’s voice was rising and Patrick could feel his own blood start to boil. ‘How would you feel if I took off in the middle of the night and spent the day alone with my ex?’</p><p>Patrick moves into David’s closet, he doesn’t want David to overhear this.</p><p>‘Did his father just die?’ Patrick asks coldly.</p><p>‘Patrick that’s not the point’. Jude shouts.</p><p>‘No Jude, that’s exactly the point, for the hundredth time, that is why I’m here’</p><p>Patrick starts to pace towards the mirror then he turns around and paces the other way.</p><p>‘It wouldn’t surprise me if he planned all this’ Jude huffs like a spoilt child.</p><p>Patrick stops pacing.</p><p>‘I’m sorry are you trying to imply that my ex-husband, who I have not seen or heard from in over two years some how planned for his father to die just so he could see me? Are you fucking crazy Jude!?’</p><p>‘Ok.....ok, I’m sorry, I just....I didn’t mean it like that’ he pauses ‘Patrick, I meant what I said in my text, I really think we could have something special. I really think you’re the one for me and this little situation is just, it’s driving me a little crazy’</p><p>Patrick is taking deep breaths in and out, trying to compose himself.</p><p>‘Jude, I really can’t deal with this right now, please can we just talk when I get back?’ He asks, he’s so done with the conversation.</p><p>‘You haven’t really said when that will be though’ Jude say, his voice small and whiny again.</p><p>‘I don’t know, I may stay for a couple of days.’ Patrick closes his eyes, he knows what’s coming and he braces himself for it.</p><p>‘A COUPLE OF FUCKING DAYS!!! Patrick......’ </p><p>‘Jude -‘</p><p>‘No, no no no nononononono NO PATRICK!’ Jude screams</p><p>‘Jude pleeeeeease’ Patrick says through gritted teeth, his eyes are squeezed shut and he’s pinching the bridge of his nose.</p><p>‘Patrick are you even hearing what your saying to me?’ Patrick know it’s not a question that he needs to answer. Jude continues angrily ‘what you’re telling me that your going to be staying with your ex for a couple of day and I presume nights and I’m just supposed to except it? You’re basically choosing him over me at this point.’</p><p>‘No, I’m not’ Patrick says calmly ‘and Jude I’m fed up of explaining all of this right now, I need to go.’</p><p>‘Come home’ Jude says quickly, before Patrick can end the call</p><p>‘What?’ </p><p>‘If you’re not choosing him over me, then come home. Leave now, jump in your car and drive home’ Jude’s voice is shaky now as he adds ‘come home to me Patrick’</p><p>There’s a long silence where neither of them speak, this is decision time for Patrick. Jude is forcing his hand and he has to throw down his cards.</p><p>Patrick catches a glimpse of himself in David’s wall mirror, he’s face is red and his eyes are dark, he looks miserable.</p><p>He takes the phone away from his ear and looks at the picture of Jude then he looks at the dresser on his left and thinks about the folded photo that’s tucked away in there. He puts the phone back to his ear and let’s out a short breath and says ‘I’m sorry Jude, I can’t.’</p><p>Then he ends the call.</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Into a Million Pieces</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Final chapter, thanks again for reading and putting up with my typos and lack of/too much punctuation!</p><p>CW: After over two years of hurt the volcano that is Patrick Brewer final erupts.</p><p>TW: This is where the mildly dubious consent comes in.</p><p>It will all be ok in the end, I promise ❤️</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After taking a few deep breaths Patrick walks back out into David’s living space. David is now sitting back on the sofa. The food arrived whilst Patrick was on the phone to Jude so the boxes are piled on the kitchen island.</p><p>Patrick walks over to where he left the wine and pours himself a large glass and immediately drinks the whole thing in one go. David has turned towards him and is looking at him with a soft concerned expression.</p><p>He walks over to the island were Patrick is pouring himself another glass and says ‘shall we take this stuff over to the coffee table?’ He picks up the pizza boxes and walks towards the sofa he looks back over his shoulder and says ‘looks like we may also need another bottle of wine too’</p><p>They set everything up on the coffee table in front of the sofa, they are both sat on the chaise section of the sofa again but instead of facing forward towards the TV David is sat with this back against the armrest, he’s legged crossed facing Patrick. Patrick is facing forward with his legs stretched out.</p><p>Patrick hasn’t said much since his call with Jude, he’s eaten one slice of pizza, two mozzarella sticks and he’s now half way through his third glass of wine.</p><p>‘So, ah, is everything ok?’ David asks tentatively ‘it’s just, I heard you shouting’ then adds quickly ‘I couldn’t hear what you were shouting about’ He takes a bite of his pizza ‘and now this’ David gestures to Patrick with his free hand.</p><p>‘I really don’t want to talk about it David’ Patrick say stone faced. </p><p>He finishes his wine and reaches for the bottle, he offers to top David’s glass up but David shakes his head no. Patrick shrugs and pours himself another full glass, he returns the bottle to the coffee table and he turn his body so he is now facing David. He continues to drink but he doesn’t say anything, he just watches David over the rim of his glass. </p><p>David looks at him quizzically, he swallows the bit of pizza he has in his mouth and asks ‘what are you doing Patrick, are you ok?’</p><p>He answers immediately but says the words slowly ‘i’m fine, I’m waiting for you to finish your pizza David’ </p><p>He’s drunk and he knows he is. Not so drunk that he doesn’t know his own name or he’s falling over himself but he’s buzzing. He’s hot and flushed and all he sees right now is David. David’s mouth as he bits his pizza, David’s lips when he sips his wine, David tongue as he lick sauce from the corner of his mouth. All Patrick can think is that he needs that mouth on him, he needs it like a parched man needs water. </p><p>‘Ah, oookay, did you want to talk? I can eat and talk, I don’t mind’ David says innocently.</p><p>‘I don’t want to talk David.’ Patrick takes another sip of wine but keeps looking directly at David. He should really stop drinking now he’s had enough, he needs to stay in control. Patrick puts the glass of wine down on the coffee table just as David finishes his pizza.</p><p>‘Can you pass me another napkin, my hands are greasy and I really don’t want to get grease on this couch, thanks.’</p><p>Patrick picks up a napkin and holds it out to David when he tries to take it, Patrick grabs his wrist, not forcefully but he grips it firmly.</p><p>David looks down at Patrick’s hand around his wrist then up at Patrick.</p><p>David swallows when he sees the look in Patrick’s eyes.</p><p>‘Patrick’ David says more sternly ‘what are you doing?’</p><p>‘I’m going to kiss you David’ Patrick shuffles slowly towards him, he’s still holding David’s wrist ‘do you need to take your glasses off?’ He asks.</p><p>David doesn’t reply, with his free hand he removes his glasses and without looking places them on the floor behind him. Patrick is now so close to David he is practically straddling his lap, they have yet to break eye contact.</p><p>Patrick moves the hand that was holding David’s wrist down to Davids hand, he entwines their fingers so that they are holding hands. Their face to face now. Patrick’s free hand comes up to touch David’s right eyebrow, then his left one, he then runs his finger down from the bridge of David’s nose to the tip. He lightly touches his Cupid’s bow and then moves his fingers to touch David’s stubble on his cheek, they’ve moved even closer still and they are practically nose to nose, breathing in each other’s air, their chests heaving against each other. Patrick’s hand is still exploring David’s face, he’s tracing his jaw line with his thumb then he scraps his fingernails down David neck until he reaches the collar of David’s hoodie, he wraps his fist around it so his fingers are on the inside.</p><p>David has moved his free hand to Patrick’s hip and is pulling him closer still so that Patrick is now firmly in place straddling his thighs.</p><p>Their lips brush together ever so lightly, their eyes are still open.</p><p>‘David’ Patrick whispers as their lips touch ‘you are still the most beautiful man I have ever seen.’</p><p>David closes his eyes and a tear rolls down his cheek. They’re kissing now, chaste and sweet just getting the feel of each other again. Patrick places the hand that was on David collar on his jaw, he pulls David in closer, he needs to get deeper, he needs to taste him. He swipes at David’s bottom lip with his tongue in an effort to get David to open up and let him in, but he doesn’t so Patrick moves from David’s lips to his cheek to his jaw to his neck with wet open kisses. His tongue relentlessly swiping at David’s neck and collar bone. Patrick start rutting shamelessly against David’s thigh, his cock is hard and throbbing and aching for friction, but something isn’t quite right, David isn’t responding. Patrick starts nipping at David’s bottom lip and running his tongue along the seam of his lips. He let out a small desperate whimpering sound which he hopes translates to ‘please let me in’. he lets go of David’s hand and he holds his face with both hands trying to desperately penetrate his mouth with his tongue ‘oh god, David, please’ he breaths out against David’s closed lips.</p><p>Patrick goes back to David neck, kissing and licking and biting then back up to his lips. His hands are now in David hair and griping the back of his neck to hold him in place. He’s so lost in him that he doesn’t feel David gently pushing against his chest. David moves his hands to Patrick’s shoulders now and is trying more firmly to push him away. David turns his head away from Patrick’s onslaught so Patrick is now just mouthing desperately at his cheek.</p><p>‘Patrick, Patrick, please’ he says quietly at first, pushing against Patrick’s shoulders. ‘Patrick please stop, PATRICK PLEASE STOP!’ He shouts which seems to work as Patrick’s eyes fly open and he bolts backwards off of David’s lap and back onto the sofa with his hands up. Patrick is breathing heavily and he’s looking at David like he’s confused</p><p>‘Wha - what’s going on? Why did you stop me?’ He asks.</p><p>‘Patrick I think you’ve had too much to drink and I think this is something that you will regret in the morning’ David looks down at his hands.</p><p>‘I thought you wanted this David, you were kissing me back’ Patrick is heating up again, the alcohol, his argument with Jude, his feelings for David, lack of food, lack sleep, over two years of hurt, just everything, it’s all catching up with him. He feeling like a volcano about to erupt. </p><p>He jumps off of the sofa, he rubs the back of his neck frantically then puts both hands on his hips, he tries to slow his breathing down, but his heart is racing.</p><p>‘Yes Patrick, I-I do, really, more than you will ever know but I just don’t want this to be a mistake for you, something that you regret’</p><p>‘Why do you keeping say that David? Why do you keep saying that I’ll regret it?’ He’s being loud, he knows he is but he can’t stop himself.</p><p>‘Because of, Jude? That’s his name right?’ David asks.</p><p>‘This has nothing to do with Jude, why are you even bringing him up David?’ Patrick is shouting now.</p><p>‘Because you’re seeing him!’ David shouted back at him</p><p>Before his mouth can engage his brain Patrick immediately retaliates ‘When did David Rose ever care about morals?’ </p><p>As soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. </p><p>David’s mouth dropped open, his eyes wide. David looks like Patrick just shot him with an arrow, he looks hurt and wounded and his hands are shaking. </p><p>Patrick drop to his knees beside the chaise and begs for forgiveness ‘David please, I didn’t mean that, I’m so sorry, I’ve had way too much to drink, I promise you I didn’t mean it’ </p><p>David closes his eyes for a brief second, when he opens them tears fall, his whole body is shaking where he is trying to hold back his sobs. ‘Get out’ he say quietly, he looks away from Patrick.</p><p>‘No’ Patrick replies immediately, firmly.</p><p>David’s eyes snap back to Patrick’s ‘What?’ </p><p>‘I said no’ Patrick holds his gaze ‘I’m not leaving David, you are NOT doing this to me again’</p><p>At that point Patrick realises he still on his knees so he stands up.</p><p>‘You asked me earlier if I wanted to talk, right?’ He asks, his tone angry. He receives no response so he continues ‘ok, let’s talk. Let’s talk about how you ruined our marriage, good topic?’ He shakes his head when he gets no response from David ‘ok ok, how about the fact that you were fucking people in the back room of our store, no, still not a good topic?’ He pauses ‘hhhmmm let me think, how about the fact that you told me that I had failed at the one fucking thing that was the most important thing in the world to me?’ </p><p>The tears are coming thick and fast now from both of them.</p><p>‘Patrick, I - I’m sorry, I -‘</p><p>‘NO David, you don’t get to sit here over two years later and tell me you’re sorry. You have no idea what you did to me’ he grits his teeth then screams ‘YOU BROKE MY FUCKING HEART DAVID’ Patrick is practically gasping for air at this point so he says in a quieter tone ‘You’ he points at David ‘You broke me, you fucking broke me into a million pieces and as it turns out, after all this time I’m still broken’ he sits at the other end of the sofa from David and puts his face in his hands trying desperately to regain control of his breathing.</p><p>With his face still in his hand he crooks out ‘You’re the only one who can fix me David, you’re the only one who can put me back together again’ he pauses, looks up then  turns to David who is looking back at him and sobbing ‘you David. Not Jude, not some scenario person you’ve made up for me’ He pauses the says quietly ‘it will only ever be you’. He purses his lips together and shakes his head and makes a small huffing sound as if he’s been defeated, then he turns away. </p><p>After a short while Patrick hears movement from the other end of the sofa it was getting closer to him then he feels David’s hands cup his cheek and turn his face towards his. David’s breath hitches as he tries to find his words, he takes a deep shuddering breath, looks Patrick straight in the eye and says ‘I love you Patrick Brewer’ Patrick opens his mouth to speak but David put’s a finger on his lips, he’s not done.</p><p>‘Wait, let me finish.’ He swallows ‘I love you, I never stopped loving you,’ he takes a deep shuddering breath in  ‘I’m so ashamed of how I treated you. The day I walked out of our home was the biggest mistake of my life and I have regretted it every single day since’ he exhales the sniffs ‘You did not fail Patrick. You said earlier that my dad wanted nothing but the best for me, well, you’re the best person I’ve ever known and I have never been happier than when I was with you, not before and not after’</p><p>Silent tears now stream down Patrick’s face as he looks at David ‘but you said-‘</p><p>‘I know.....I know what I said back then but please believe me now when I say that I was fucking idiot to have said that to you. Patrick, my dad died last night.’ He pauses and takes a deep breath ‘you arrived here early this morning and let me tell you’ he sniffs ‘today has been the happiest that I have been in the last two years. So what I’m trying to say is you didn’t fail, you did break your promise to me, or my dad, because you’re here Patrick, he’s gone, but you’re here, with me.’</p><p>David pauses and catches his breath ‘Don’t worry, I’m nearly done’ Patrick lets out a small laugh and David continues ‘I am so sorry that I broke your heart and I am so sorry that I broke you into a million pieces, I know that me saying that now doesn’t even remotely begin to make up for what I did or help you heal but,’ he breaths out and he closes his eyes tight then opens them again looking directly into Patrick’s eyes he says ‘if you are willing to have me Patrick Brewer, I would love to spend the rest of my life trying to put every single broken piece back together again.’ </p><p>Patrick releases the breath that he didn’t even know he had been holding. He looks at David, this man that he never stopped loving, not for one second, he swallows and says ‘I’m yours forever David Rose, you will always be my happy ending’</p><p>They look at each other then they both start smiling and then laughing. </p><p>David wraps his arms tightly around Patrick’s neck and Patrick weaves his arms around David waist, they are at an awkward angle but they don’t care. Patrick’s face is buried against David neck, he kisses him just below his ear then pulls his head back to look at him. He wipes a stray tear from David’s cheek and replaces it with a soft kiss. Patrick kisses one corner of David’s mouth, then the other, he brushes his lips softly against David and David kisses him back. Patrick pulls David onto his lap to get a better angle and the kiss deepens, this time David lets Patrick in as they sink back into the sofa together.</p><p> Suddenly David pulls back ‘Wait, Wait, Wait!’ He shouts.</p><p>‘What?’ Asks Patrick, a concerned look on his face.</p><p>‘Will you still climb a thousand mountains for me though?’ He asks with a smirk</p><p>Patrick thinks about it for a brief second ‘I don’t know David, you did comment earlier about me getting old, I might only be able to manage nine hundred and ninety nine now’</p><p>‘Hhhmmmm, I’ll accept that.’ David  says as he leans in to continue their kiss.</p><p>‘Wait, Wait, Wait!’ Shouts Patrick this time.</p><p>‘Are you mocking me?’ David pouts playful, this time Patrick does kiss his bottom lip.</p><p>Then he says ‘I’m serious, I have something that I need to tell you.’</p><p>‘Ok, go on’ David says.</p><p>‘So, um, I might still own Rose Apothecary’ </p><p>‘What?’ David looks shocked ‘How? We sold it’</p><p>‘No not technically, technically you sold your half, to me, I was the anonymous buyer’</p><p>‘So what does this mean Patrick?’ </p><p>‘I guess it means that I want you to come home David’ Patrick says softly.</p><p>David smiles and Patrick’s heart is nothing but a gooey mess at this point.</p><p>‘Patrick’</p><p>‘Yes David’</p><p>‘There’s no place I’d rather be’.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks again for reading. </p><p>I haven’t written an epilogue but I feel like the fic might need one. These two have unresolved issues and it would be a little unrealistic if they just slipped back into their happily married life.</p><p>Let me know what you think and if you’d like an epilogue. ❤️</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. The Morning Atfer</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you so much for all your lovely comments. I know this fic is not to everyone’s taste but I’m glad that some of you are enjoying it.</p><p>This is fiction and some times there’s angst and drama. Ultimately Patrick and David love each other, we all know that, they will also find their way back to each other in the end.</p><p>So, I started writing the epilogue and it was going on and on and on so I split it into three chapters. I hope these last chapters tie up any lose ends you may have.</p><p>CW: a tiny bit of smut</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Patrick opens his eyes and he momentarily feels disoriented by the unfamiliar surroundings. The room is dark as the blinds are closed but Patrick can see daylight peaking through them. </p><p>There’s an arm loosely slung across his naked stomach and a leg entwined with his. He looks over to his left and sees the mass of dark hair buried deep under the blankets, Jude, he thinks to himself. He sighs lightly and closes his eyes. Then his brain kicks in and his eyes snaps back open again. Not Jude, David!</p><p>It was in that moment that Patrick realises the similarities between Jude and David, not just their dark hair and features but also their fun dramatic personalities. He genuinely hadn’t seen it before or at least he wouldn’t allow himself to see it. Is that why he had been so attracted of Jude in the first place? He asks himself. Had he been fooling himself by, dare he say it, using Jude as a David substitute?</p><p>Patrick thinks back to a month ago when he confided in Stevie that he was seeing someone that he really liked and thought he could get serious with. They were at her apartment drinking wine and having their usual catch up session.</p><p>‘Good for you Brewer’ she said. Then with a mischievous grin she asked ‘is he a firecracker in bed?’ She wiggled her eyebrow and took a sip of her wine.</p><p>‘Stevie!’ Patrick blushed ‘it’s not even about that’</p><p>‘Yeah but it helps’ she replied ‘so.....?’</p><p>‘So what?’ He asks innocent.</p><p>‘Answer the question dummy, what’s the bedroom action like?’ She winks at him.</p><p>Patrick smiles shyly ‘it’s great, he’s great, I really like him’</p><p>‘Do you have a picture, a need to see this “great” guy and give my approval’</p><p>‘Really Stevie?’ </p><p>‘Yes really, I need to see what this hot piece of ass looks like’ </p><p>Patrick smiles shaking his head he gets his phone out. He brings up a picture of Jude, it’s the one Patrick uses for Jude’s profile on his phone. Jude is turned away from the camera but is looking back over his shoulder, one eyebrow raised and he is smiling suggestively.</p><p>He hands the phone to Stevie, she smiles at him as she takes it but the smile soon disappears when she looks down at the screen. Her mouth drops open and her brow furrows.</p><p>‘Stevie.....everything ok? Do you know him?’ Patrick asks curiously, a little surprised by her reaction.</p><p>‘Yeah....uh....no, no I don’t know him. It’s just...... Patrick....he-‘ she looks up at Patrick for a few seconds her eyes searching his. Her expression softens and she looks back down at the screen. ‘He looks very......he looks very nice’ she finally says. ‘Well done Brewer, you sure do know how to pick the pretty ones’. She handed the phone back smiling but the smile didn’t reach her eyes, her eyes look.....sad. </p><p>Patrick had thought that Stevie’s reaction was strange at the time but he brushed it off. Now though, thinking about it, had Stevie seen a resemblance to David?</p><p>Patrick feels David shift in the bed beside him. David gently strokes Patrick’s bare stomach. ‘Good morning’ David says in a low, husky, sleepy voice as he turns towards him.</p><p>‘Good morning sunshine’ Patrick replies and kisses his forehead.</p><p>Patrick turns on his side so that they are facing each other. David hooks his leg over Patrick’s and wraps his arm around his waist. Patrick’s hand gently strokes David’s arm.</p><p>‘Hmmmm.....so, last night’ David says with a smile ‘you’ve learnt some new moves Mr Brewer, I’m very impressed.’ David leans in and kissed Patrick on the lips.</p><p>Patrick smiles shyly. </p><p>‘Maybe...’ David says slowly ‘we should order breakfast and you can show me what else you’ve learnt while we wait for it to arrive’ he shimmies in closer to Patrick.</p><p>‘That sounds like a great plan’ Patrick says kissing the tip of David’s nose.</p><p>David moves away and grabs for his phone on his nightstand and then rolls back in towards Patrick.</p><p>‘I think we need all the breakfast foods this morning’ he says as he taps his phone ‘we really worked up an appetite!’ He looks up at Patrick, raises and eyebrow then looks back down at his phone. He taps for a few seconds more then declares ‘Done. Should be here in twenty minutes.’ Then he says playfully ‘What should we do to fill the time?’</p><p>David puts the phone down behind him and moves in and kisses Patrick’s lips, then makes his way slowly down to his jaw, chin, and neck.</p><p>‘Actually David, I.....I need to-‘David continues kissing down to Patrick’s collar bone where he’s sucking and biting and it feels divine but ‘wait....wait, David’ Patrick says breathlessly. ‘Wait, just a second’ he says lifting David’s chin up. David looks up at him confused.</p><p>Patrick swallows ‘um, I think I need to go home......today’ he said softly. </p><p>‘Huh.’ David pulls back ‘regrets?’ He asks.</p><p>‘No....no, of course not’ Patrick stokes David’s cheek with his thumb ‘never with you David, I promise’ he takes a deep breath. ‘I just....I need to speak to Jude, face to face. I owe him that much’.</p><p>‘Oh’ David say quietly ‘um....he really means something to you doesn’t he?’</p><p>‘Yeah, yeah he does’. Patrick sighs deeply.</p><p>‘Well you do what you need to do, I love you Patrick and I’ll be here for you. I’m not going anywhere’. </p><p>Patrick pulls David so his head is buried against his neck, he wraps his arms around him and squeezes him. His heart literally skipped a beat when David said he loved him. Patrick had never thought he would hear those words again from David’s lips. He whispers in his ear ‘I love you too David, so much’.</p><p>David looks up and they kiss, it’s soft and slow and deep. Patrick pulls David over so that he is laying fully on top of him and every part of their bodies is touching. One of Patrick’s hands is in David’s hair, and the other rubbing his neck and shoulders. David’s hands slip slowly down to Patrick’s sides and then hooks Patrick’s legs over his. David grinds down slowly against Patrick and they both let out a low moan as they feel the friction as their cocks rub together and it feels so deliciously good.</p><p>‘David’ Patrick whispers and he pulls him back in to kiss him it’s less leisurely now more passionate and dirty. Then Patrick hears something, it sounds like knocking.</p><p>‘Wait, David what’s that noise?’ he says pulling back.</p><p>David looks at him, lips kiss swollen and pupils blown ‘What noi-‘ The knocking sound cuts him off. ‘Shit, it must be the our food delivery, wait here’ he tells Patrick.</p><p>He climbs out of bed and quickly grabs for his joggers and the t-shirt which are on the bench at the end of the bed.</p><p>The knocking comes again, much louder this time.</p><p>‘Ok....ok, I’m coming’ David shouts through gritted teeth and leaves the room closing the door behind him.</p><p>Patrick smiles and shakes his head.</p><p>He decides to quickly text Jude and picks up his phone on the nightstand.</p><p>Patrick: Jude, hi, we should talk, can you meet me later today?</p><p>Jude replies immediately.</p><p>Jude: you’re coming home??</p><p>Patrick: yeah, can you meet me at my place around 2?</p><p>Jude: yeah sure, see you then x</p><p>He lies there looking at the ceiling for a few minutes but then he realises that he needs to use the bathroom so he gets up, throws on his jogger and discovers that the t-shirt that David had hastily put on was actually his. The delivery person must have left by now he thinks so he decides to forgo finding another t-shirt and opens the bedroom door. As he walks out three pairs of eyes turn to look at him and he stops dead.</p><p>‘Oh......my......fucking......god’ Stevie says as her hands fly to her mouth, eyes wide.</p><p>‘Noooooooooo. Button?’ says Alexis in a low shocked voice, her mouth hanging wide open as she swats at and misses David arm with her limp wristed hand.</p><p>David just looks at him of with a slight grimace and shrugs his shoulders as if to say ‘I’m sorry’</p><p>‘Uh.....I’ll just...I’m just gonna...’ Patrick points back towards the bedroom and retreats quickly.</p><p>He grabs David’s hoodie and throws it on and heads back out to the main living space.</p><p>‘Um...David are two like.....?’ Say Alexis looking quickly from David to Patrick then back to David.</p><p>‘Hey Alexis’ Patrick says he walks towards her and pulls her in for a big hug. She wraps her arms around him and he gives her a big squeeze. He says in a low voice ‘I’m so sorry about your dad’</p><p>‘Thank you Patrick, that’s very sweet of you’ she says sombrely as she pull out of his arms.</p><p>‘That’s actually why we’re here’ she continues ‘David we need to start organising things. Steve and I thought it would best for us to start planning then we’ll get mom involve later, she’s in no shape right to think about these things’.</p><p>Patrick takes a quick glance at Stevie. He’s noticed that she hasn’t spoken, she’s just watched him, her eyes following his every movement.</p><p>The door knocks and David throws his hands up clearly aggregated until he remembers that it’s their food.</p><p>‘Oh breakfast yum, good call David’ Alexis says as he goes to open the door.</p><p>‘Um.....Patrick and I are just gonna......’ Stevie doesn’t finish her sentence. She grabs Patrick’s arm and literally drags him to the bedroom. Patrick had no idea she was this strong!</p><p>She closes the door and heads to David’s walk in closet, Patrick follows as he really does not want to be manhandled again.</p><p>She turns to face him with her hands on her hips ‘What the hell Patrick!?’ She says in a loud angry whisper.</p><p>Patrick swallows he’s not sure what he’s supposed to say.</p><p>‘Patrick how could you think that sleeping with David would be good idea for either of you right now’ she pauses ‘do you not remember what happened Patrick? Are you so blinded by his dick that you can’t remember what he put you through?’ She’s not finished ‘he’s my best friend and I love him but I DO NOT ever want see you in that state again’ She pauses ‘let’s not forget the fact that he’s grieving Patrick, how do you know he’s not just using you for comfort or whatever?’ Her face is red and her eyes are brimming with tears ‘Your such a fucking idiot Patrick, what if he decides tomorrow that he doesn’t need you anymore, huh? You were supposed to come here and -‘</p><p>‘And what Stevie? Come here and what?’ Patrick says in as low a tone as he can manage. He takes a deep breath. ‘You asked me to come here Stevie, you knew what I went through and you still asked me to come. You said he needed me. What did you expect would happen?’</p><p>‘I don’t know, maybe to be a shoulder to cry on, give him some emotional support’ she throws her hands up in exasperation. ‘Did you really have to fuck him Patrick?’ She asks.</p><p>‘Stevie I love him, I’ve always loved him and last night he told me he felt the same way’ he pauses looking at her ‘This isn’t a one night thing. We both want to try again and make it work.’</p><p>Stevie walks forward and stops right in front of him.</p><p>‘Patrick’ she says in a softer calmer voice ‘are you 100% sure this is what you want? You have to be 100% sure. What about Jude?’ She asks.</p><p>He shakes his head then says ‘Stevie, I like Jude a lot, I really like him’ he pauses ‘But I love.....David, I love David with every fibre of my being, he’s the love of my life Stevie. I’ve never been more sure of anything. If I stay with Jude I would just be settling and I don’t want that for myself and it wouldn’t be fair to Jude either because there will always be a part of me that I could never him.’</p><p>‘Shall we also talk about the fact that he looks like he could be David’s long lost brother?!’ She smirks then her expression turns serious ‘What about what David did, can you really forgive and forget that?’</p><p>He takes a deep breath and looks up to the ceiling ‘I’ve already forgiven him Stevie. The forgetting part is a little harder.’ He looks down at her ‘Our situation isn’t ideal or perfect, we have a lot of unresolved issues that we need to talk about and work through, but I’m confident we can do it’.</p><p>Stevie looks at him for a long minute then say ‘Ok, come here you fool, give me a hug’ she says with a smile. She hugs him and he gives her a squeeze back ‘I just don’t want to see either of you idiots hurt again. I love you both’ she says somewhat sincerely ‘Ok...ok...ok, that’s enough. I swear I’ve hugged more people in the last 24 hours than I have in my whole life, uuughh’ she scrunches up her face in disgust and she tries to shake her body out of Patrick’s grip but he knows she joking. He gives her one last squeeze and she pats his shoulder as her releases her.</p><p>They head back out to the kitchen where Alexis and David are sat at the kitchen island eating breakfast.</p><p>‘I’m sorry’ David says ‘we couldn’t wait for.......’ he points to Patrick and Stevie with his fork ‘whatever this situation is.’</p><p>‘I mean we wouldn’t want to get between David Rose and his food’ Stevie says sarcastically.</p><p>He glares at her but has a small smile on his face.</p><p>‘Mmmmm, help yourself guys, David ordered soooo much food. You really must have worked up an appetite.’ Alexis winks/blinks rapidly at Patrick.</p><p>Patrick feels the heat rise to he is cheeks as busies himself opening containers.</p><p>‘Uuughhhhh’ groans David and pokes her lightly with his fork.</p><p>‘Ew David, that has syrup on it!’ Alexis screeches and David rolls his eyes.</p><p>The four of them eat and talk until Patrick announces that he has to leave. He explains to Stevie and Alexis that he has to head home but he’ll be back. He looks directly at David when he says this and David gives him a small smile and nod.</p><p>After showering and getting dressed Patrick says his goodbyes to Stevie and Alexis and David walks him to the door.</p><p>David sighs ‘I can’t pretend that I’m not feel a little anxious about you doing this’ he says quietly.</p><p>Patrick weaves his arms around David’s waist ‘I promise that you have nothing to worry about, I’m coming back for you’ Patrick sighs ‘I just need to do this’.</p><p>‘Ok’ David whispers and leans in for kiss. They are interrupted by Stevie and Alexis making overly dramatic gagging noises behind them. Patrick laughs as David turns, narrows his eyes and sticks his middle finger up at them.</p><p>‘See you later guys’ Patrick shouts over to them and kisses David one more time. ‘I love you’. </p><p>‘I love you too, drive safely’ David calls after him.</p><p>As David closes the door Patrick hears Alexis say ‘Oh my god, yay David yay!’</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. A Hard Goodbye</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A short chapter - Jude 😭</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The drive home goes by a lot quicker than his previous journey and although Patrick knows what’s ahead of him he can’t help but smile. Despite what Stevie thinks he’s not a fool. He knows that he and David have a long way to go before they will be back to how they used to be. Maybe they will never be that way again but Patrick was willing to do whatever it takes to try.</p><p>He lowers his windows and turned the radio up. He hasn’t felt this light and free in such a long time. He sings along to some oldies but goodies and before he knows it he is pulling into the drive outside his house.</p><p>Jude’s car isn’t there yet so Patrick knows he has few minutes to himself to process his thoughts before the inevitable confrontation. He knows this is going to be a tough conversation and Jude has the ability to go from zero to one hundred in seconds. </p><p>Patrick opened the car door, grabbed his bag and walks to the house. Once inside he drops his bag by the front door and takes off his shoes he walks through to the kitchen. He nervous so he decides to make some tea to settle the twisting feeling in his stomach. He fills the kettle with water and switches it on. Just as it starts to boil he hears the key in the lock at the front door and Jude steps in. </p><p>‘Hey’ Patrick says quietly ‘I was about to make some tea, do you want some?’ He asks.</p><p>‘I don’t know Patrick, do I?’ Jude answers defensively. </p><p>Jude takes his jacket off and hangs it on the coat rack beside the door. He turns to Patrick and says in a soft voice ‘I’m glad you came home’. He bites his bottom lip nervously.</p><p>Patrick swallows. He puts down the kettle and points to the kitchen table indicating that they should should sit. It’s a small round wooden table with four chairs. Patrick sits down and Jude sits in the chair opposite him. </p><p>There’s a long silence. Jude is still biting at his bottom lip and his eyes are focussed on his hands which are clasped together on tabletop. Patrick is just looking at him unsure of where to start.</p><p>Patrick gets up from his seat and moves to one that’s beside Jude. He takes Jude’s hands in his and they sit like that for a minute, then Patrick raises one of his hand to brush a stray hair from Jude’s face. Jude looks up at him with tears in his eyes.</p><p>‘It’s over isn’t it’ Jude says quietly, a tear escapes and rolls down his cheek.</p><p>‘I’m so sorry Jude’ Patrick said, his voice shaky.</p><p>Jude nods his head, he keeps looking into Patrick’s eyes and asks ‘Wasn’t I enough Patrick, I thought we were happy?’</p><p>Patrick lifts his head and looks at the ceiling. He licks his lips and takes a slow breath then looking back down at Jude. he say ‘We were happy, I was happy with you Jude, for the first time in a long time.’ He pauses ‘and you were enough, more than enough’</p><p>‘I don’t understand, so why -‘</p><p>‘I just never got over him Jude, I couldn’t get over him’ Patrick couldn’t stop his tears from falling now ‘I’m so sorry’. Patrick takes a deep breath ‘you deserve so much more than I could give you’.</p><p>Jude looks down at their hands again, he sniffs then looks back up at Patrick ‘did you.....did you sleep with him?’ He asks quietly.</p><p>Patrick closes his eyes, let’s out a short breath and then lowers his head. Jude let’s out a whimpering sound then inhales a shuddering breath that he blows out through his mouth. He gently pulls his hands out of Patrick’s. He stands up and reaches into his jeans pocket he takes out a sets of keys and places them on the table. He turns and silently walks back towards the coat rake and picks up his jacket before he opens the front door.</p><p>‘Patrick’ Jude says. Patrick looks up at him. ‘You deserve so much more too, I really hope he gives you everything you need.’ They looked at each for few seconds more then Jude walks out, closing the door softly behind him. </p><p>Patrick looks at the door for another second after it closes then lowers his head onto his arms on the table. He knows he’s done the right thing but it doesn’t hurt any less.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Therapy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Ok folks, this is it! Thanks again for reading, I really appreciate all the kind comments.</p><p>TW: references to panic attacks.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>6 months Later</p><p>‘Patrick welcome back and you must be David’.</p><p>Patrick and David walk into Dr Samia’s office and David holds out his hand to shake hers.</p><p>‘Yes.....hi’ he says nervously.</p><p>After tying up all loose ends and after five months of calls, texts, FaceTime and weekend visits, David finally moved back to Schitt’s Creek. For a short while David had attempted to stay at Stevie’s but that lasted less then a week before David and Patrick gave up all pretence that they had any self restraint for each other and they decided that they just needed to be together. They had already spent too much time a part and they just wanted to go to bed together every night and wake up together every morning. So David moved into Patrick’s house.</p><p>David also spent a few days a week at the store. Patrick was proud of the fact that David made very few adjustments to his current layout of the although he did notice that some of the items that were particularly incorrect to David were suddenly relocated to the back room.</p><p>All was good except for the fact that they really hadn’t spoken about what had happened to end their marriage. At first David had been busy with organising his dads funeral and taking care of his legal and business matters. Then he was busy organising his move to Schitt’s Creek and Patrick, although he wanted answers, didn’t want to push him.</p><p>After Patrick came home from his weekly therapy session one evening David nervously made the suggestion that maybe they could go to a session together.</p><p>And now they were here, standing in Dr Samia’s office for the first time together.</p><p>Patrick puts his arm around David’s shoulders and squeezes him in a sideways hug to help calm his anxieties.</p><p>Dr Samia holds her hand out towards the sofa to indicate that they should take a seat and she sits down in an arm chair opposite them.</p><p>Patrick sits close to David and holds his hand resting it on his lap. He can tell by David bolt upright posture that he’s very nervous. Patrick stokes David’s hand with his thumb in an effort to help him relax.</p><p>‘Ok’ Dr Samia opens her note book and reads her notes for a few second. She looks up and smile reassuringly at both of them. ‘Firstly, let me just say thank you David for coming here today. As you know Patrick has been coming for quite some time and he will tell you that this is a judgement free zone. You can say as little or as much as you want, I not here to judge you.’ She pauses briefly and smiles at David ‘I may ask questions from time to time but it’s only to get a clearer understanding of your thoughts and feelings.’ She turns to Patrick ‘Patrick, when we spoke last week you said that you would be comfortable talking about anything in front of David, is that still the case?’</p><p>‘Yeah....yes, absolutely, I have nothing to hide from him’. He looks at David and smiles fondly.</p><p>‘Perfect. This is what I like to call an honesty hour’ Dr Samia starts ‘I’d like you to talk openly and honestly to each other with complete immunity. Think of this as a safe place where you can ask each other anything without repercussions, ok?’ She looks at them and they both slowly nod back. </p><p>‘So why don’t you start Patrick, is there anything you would like to ask David. My advice would be to start small then we’ll move up to the more in-depth questions.’ She nods at Patrick to indicate that he should start.</p><p>Patrick thinks for a second. ‘Um.... yeah, I would-‘</p><p>Dr Samia interrupts ‘Patrick, turn to David and ask him.’</p><p>Patrick and David shift slightly on the sofa turning towards each other still holding hands.</p><p>‘David, you’ve been back for a month now and I guess my question is.....um, are you having any second thoughts or regrets about being here?’</p><p>David smiles warmly at Patrick and shakes his head ‘none whatsoever, no regrets’ he says firmly.</p><p>Patrick smiles back at him.</p><p>‘Now it’s your turn David’ Dr Samia says as she writes in her note book. ‘I want you to keep going back and forth with your questions, I may interrupt and ask a few myself but essentially this is about you two communicating’.</p><p>David thinks for a while then asks Patrick ‘Do you trust me?’.</p><p>Patrick swallows, he looks down at their hands than back up at David ‘I don’t know’ he says ‘I want to but I still need answers.’</p><p>‘Good Patrick, what do you need to ask?’ Says Dr Samia</p><p>Patrick takes a deep breath he looks up at David and asks ‘why.....why did you cheat on me?’</p><p>David bits his lip and his eyes start to fill with tears. Patrick squeezes his hand as if to encourage him and let him know that it’s ok. </p><p>‘I wanted you to hate me’ he says quietly, silent tears falling now.</p><p>‘What? I don’t understand, I would never......why David? Patrick asks confused.</p><p>David sniffs ‘we had been together for nearly eight years’ he starts ‘and I was so happy but every now and then I would get these doubts, it was like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.’</p><p>‘Doubts about what David?’ Dr Samia asks, her head down as she continues to write in her notebook.</p><p>‘Patrick is such a good -‘</p><p>‘Talk to Patrick David’ Dr Samia interrupts.</p><p>‘Oh....yeah, sorry.’ He looks back at Patrick ‘you’re such a good person. Kind, loving, affectionate and I somehow got it into my head that I didn’t deserve it’. Patrick wipes a tear from David’s cheek. David continues ‘in that last year together I would wake up on a daily basis and my first thought would be, is today the day that you realise that I’m not worth all of your love and affection? Is today the day that you realise that you could do better than me.’</p><p>Patrick looks at David his mouth open in shock.</p><p>‘David do you have more to add?’ Dr Samia asks.</p><p>David nods, he looks down at their hands and says ‘I would wake up most mornings and you’d be gone, either on a hike or to open the store but I’d convince myself that you’d had enough of me and you’d left. I know I can be too much sometime, I know I can be selfish and self centred. It got to the point where I was having a small panic attack most mornings’.</p><p>‘Oh my god David’ Patrick whispers.</p><p>‘Go on David’ Dr Samia encourages.</p><p>David sniffs ‘we were three or four months off from our wedding anniversary and the panic attacks started getting worse, I genuinely thought I might die’. Patrick’s tears fall and one hits their hands. David looks at him.</p><p>‘Do you want to continue David’ Dr Samia asks.</p><p>David nods ‘I was having them nearly every morning but I’d eventually pull myself together enough to get to the store. Of course you were there.’ He says with a watery smile. ‘And the look in your eyes was pure love. I would sometimes catch you looking at me throughout the day, it felt like you had put me on sort of pedestal that I didn’t feel like I deserved to be on’. </p><p>David sighs as Patrick starts to rub small soothing circles on David’s lower back. Silently encouraging him to continue.</p><p>‘I went to the Wobbly Elm with Stevie one night, it was the time that you were at a conference and you were staying overnight. It had been a long time since you had done that, you’d usual prefer to drive home then stay away. You used to say “why would I want to sleep alone in some generic hotel room when I have you waiting at home”’ Patrick let out a small laugh, it was true, he hated going to sleep without David beside him.</p><p>‘But that night’ David continued ‘you said that you were staying because there was a networking event in the evening. So I went out with Stevie. She met some random and left me to my own devices. That’s when Amy approached me’ Patrick’s breath hitches.</p><p>‘Patrick are you ok? Would you like to continue or shall we stop now?’ Asks Dr Samia.</p><p>Patrick shakes his head ‘No, no I.....I want to hear this.’ He says.</p><p>Dr Samia nods and David to continue.</p><p>‘I told her I was married and not interested and it was like she took that as some sort of personal challenge, she asked me to buy her a drink and I did’ David pauses and looks at Patrick. ‘it was just a bit of harmless flirting I really had no intention of doing anything with her’ David pauses again ‘anyway we just continued to talk, we talked about what we did for a living and of course I proudly told her about our store.’ Patrick nods ‘anyway, Stevie came back and we decided to leave. Amy and I said our goodbyes, she hugged me and that was it.’</p><p>Patrick furrows his brow confused.</p><p>‘The next morning’ David continues ‘I woke up and of course you weren’t there and hadn’t been all night and I got it into my head that you were not coming back. I had another crippling panic attack that morning, I was so scared Patrick’ David sniffs again ‘but like all the times before, I managed to calm myself down and regain control of my breathing. I gathered myself together but I knew I couldn’t go on like that, it was too much. I had to take control of the situation’. David closes his eyes and takes a couple of deep breaths ‘somewhere in my twisted mind I thought that if I stopped waking up every morning thinking you were going to leave me then the panic attacks would stop. So I went on a mission to force you to hate me, to make you see that I wasn’t this perfect person that you’d put on a pedestal.</p><p>‘Why didn’t you just talk to me David?’ Patrick asks lifting David’s chin to look him in his eyes.</p><p>‘I don’t know’. David whispers.</p><p>‘Is there anything that Patrick could have done to reassure you at the time’. Dr Samia asks, looking up from her note book.</p><p>David shakes his head ‘he was doing everything right, he was perfect and that’s my point. I didn’t feel like I deserved him. I really believed that one day he would wake up and......’ David swallows and turns back to address Patrick ‘you made me so happy and as the days and months turned into years I couldn’t believe that things could be as good as they were, I couldn’t believe that someone could love me as much as you did.’</p><p>‘David....’ Patrick sighed. ‘So you slept with Am-‘</p><p>‘No...um, yes...no,’ David takes a deep breath. ‘The morning after I meet her and I had that huge panic attack. I managed to calm myself down eventually and was getting ready to leave for the store. My keys were in my leather jacket pocket as that’s what I had worn the night before. When I put my hand in my pocket to grab the keys a napkin fell out. I looked at it I realised that Amy must have slipped her number into my pocket when she hugged me.’ David takes another deep breath and continues ‘I just balled the napkin up and threw it away.’ </p><p>‘I’m sorry to stop you David’ Dr Samia starts, she turns to Patrick ‘I’m really sorry but the hour is up’ she stands up and goes to her PC, she looks at the screen for a few seconds the says ‘I actually don’t have another appointment for another hours so we could continue, it’s entirely up to you. I really feel like we are making good progress here but if either of you want to stop now then we can continue this next week.’</p><p>‘David?’ Patrick asks but then quickly says ‘I would really like to continue but only if you want to’. He then takes both of David’s hands in his.</p><p>David looks at him for a second, then nods yes.</p><p>‘Perfect’ says Dr Samia and she sits back down across from them. ‘David, would you like to continue’</p><p>David licks his lips and looks down at their hands. ‘I got to the store that morning and opened as usual. You came back around lunch time and I was so happy to see you. The rest of the day...’ David looks up at Patrick and gives him a half smile ‘and night’ he raises his eyebrow and Patrick blushes ‘was amazing.’</p><p>Patrick’s heart starts to race as he remembers that that was their last night together. But he’s confused, up until this point David really hadn’t done anything wrong. The confusion was probably evident on his face as David gives his hand a small squeeze and continues.</p><p>‘The next morning, I knew that if I woke up and you weren’t there I would panic again so I forced myself to get up at the same time as you and we left for work together.’ David pauses ‘everything was good, except, there you were giving my those sneaky looks again, looking at me like I was some sort of mythical creature.’</p><p>‘I can’t help how I feel David, I can’t help....ugh’ Patrick says in frustration.</p><p>‘Patrick do you need a minute?’ Dr Samia asks. Patrick takes a few deep breath and shakes his head. She nods slowly but keeps looking at him for a few seconds, then she says ‘David is it ok for me to sum up what you’ve said so far, so that we can all understand what your thought process was at the time?’ David nods and she looks down at her notes. ‘It seems like you started to fear the happiness that Patrick and yourself had created was unsustainable. You worked yourself up into believing that one day the bubble would burst and that Patrick would be the one to burst it. You were afraid that he would somehow discover for himself the imperfect version of you that you had built up in your mind and you believed that when he did, he would leave you.’ She looks up at David and smiles softly ‘am I on the right track so far?’</p><p>‘Yes’ David says whilst nodding.</p><p>Dr Samia continues ‘As time went on your fears started to overshadow the happiness as you felt like you were tempting fate. You mentioned that you were coming up on another anniversary?’ She looks at David and he nods yes ‘another milestone in your relationship and your fears got worse so you went into self sabotage mode, is that correct?’</p><p>David thinks for a minute the says ‘yeah......yeah I guess I did.’</p><p>Dr Samia looks at Patrick who is looking less frustrated now and says ‘Ok David would you like to continue’ she looks down at her notes ‘I believe you were talking about the day after Patrick returned from his conference’. She writes something in her note book and looks back up at him.</p><p>David swallows and nods at her then looks back at Patrick ‘um...yes. About twenty minutes after you left for the vendor visit, I was replenishing stock and Amy walks into the store. I was a little shocked to see her but she told me that because I had talked so passionately about our business she felt like she needed to come and see it with her own eyes. We talked for a while about everything and nothing and I guess the flirting started back up’. David lowers his eyes again. ‘My plan to get you to hate me wasn’t working. I started so many stupid arguments with you and made you sleep in the spare room’ he sniffs ‘I even stopped telling you that I loved you. I figure that if I stopped saying it I would trick myself into believing it.’ He shakes his head and looks up ‘but nothing worked Patrick, you just kept on loving me’.</p><p>‘So David what you’re saying is that you were actively taking matters into your own hands?’ Dr Samia asks.</p><p>‘Yes, I just couldn’t keep waking up with this crippling fear. I believed that he would leave me at some point so I just wanted to get it over with, I wanted it to happen sooner rather than later’.</p><p>Dr Samia nods and indicates for him to continue.</p><p>‘Amy and I.....we flirted, it was jokingly at first but then, it wasn’t. She leaned in and kissed me.’</p><p>Patrick clenches his jaw and tries to keep his breath even, his hands have become sweaty, he wants to pull them away but he also doesn’t want David to stop talking. </p><p>David continues ‘in that second all I could think about was my fear of you leaving me. I knew I wasn’t as perfect as you thought I was and this situation proved it. I made the stupid decision to kiss her back, things started to heat up but we were standing behind the counter and I was aware that anyone could see us so I pulled her into the back room to continue. We made out for a while then...um....she unbutton my jeans.’ Patrick’s breath hitches and he’s trying desperately not to pull his now shaking hands away from  David’s.</p><p>David bites his lip for a few seconds before continuing. ‘I then took off my sweater whilst she took off her underwear. I turned to hang my sweater on your chair, then it hit, what the fuck am I doing? There was no way I could do this to you. So I turned back to Amy and told her I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t cheat on my husband. That’s when I heard the store door open and you call my name. We tried to hurry and pull ourselves together but before I knew it you were there, just looking at me’</p><p>‘Wait so, you didn’t....?’ Patrick starts to asks.</p><p>‘I mean I kissed her and there was some......touching but when it came down to it I couldn’t go through with it’.</p><p>‘So why didn’t you say that David, when I asked you, why didn’t you just tell me that?’ Patrick looks up the ceiling and exhales loudly.</p><p>‘I called after you but you ran out of the store’ David says desperately ‘On the car ride home I absolutely convinced myself that that was it, you were done with me and that this is the day that every panic attack had led to.’ David’s sobbing and his body starts to shake. Patrick leans in and puts him arm around him. Dr Samia holds out a box of tissues, Patrick takes one and offers it to David.</p><p>After a few seconds David takes the tissue and blows his nose and wipes his eye, the tears have slowed down and he has stopped shaking.</p><p>In a soft voice Dr Samia says ‘David are you ok to continue?’</p><p>He takes a deep shuddering breath and nods ‘I got back to the house and you were so angry, in my mind I kept say “this is it, it’s going to happen now” but then,’ he looks up at Patrick ‘you asked me if it was you who had done something wrong, you were blaming yourself. I knew I couldn’t do this to you anymore and I knew I couldn’t continue to deal with the panic attacks so I made the decision there and then to leave’.</p><p>‘Oh my god......David’ Patrick whispers, his arm still around David’s shoulders. ‘Why didn’t you just tell me, everything would have been ok if you had just talked to me?’ </p><p>David remains silent.</p><p>‘But David you told me that it was because of New York’. Patrick says, looking in David’s eyes.</p><p>‘No’ David says softly ‘technically you said it was because of New York I just didn’t correct you. I figured it was as plausible a reason as any. It definitely sounded better then “I’m leaving you because I’m scared that you’re going to leave me”’ David huffs out a small laugh.</p><p>‘But the car, who was in the car David?’ Patrick asks.</p><p>‘It was just an Uber, I asked the driver to wait, I figured if you were going to ask me to leave, I couldn’t exactly take off in your car’. David shrugs.</p><p>Dr Samia looks up at them than looks at her watch. ‘We have 10 minutes left, is there anything else that you’d like to say to each other today before I round things up.’</p><p>‘I...’ David starts, then he turns to face Patrick as much as he can, he takes a deep breath then starts again ‘Patrick I meant every word I said that night in my apartment. I was such a fool to leave and I regretted it immediately.’</p><p>‘But why didn’t you just come back?’ Patrick interjects ‘why go through with the divorce? If you’d just come back and explained things.....maybe...’</p><p>‘I was so ashamed of how I treated you’ David said ‘You were my nice, kind, caring husband. I genuinely believed that you deserved better than me.’ David looks down.</p><p>Patrick immediately lifts David’s chin back up ‘That’s just the point David’ he pauses to make sure that he has David’s full attention ‘I genuinely believe that there isn’t anyone out there that’s better for me than you’. David let’s out a small whimper and his lip is trembling but he maintains eye contact with Patrick. ‘David, I knew what you were like, I’ve always known what you’re like from the first time I met you in Ray’s office and I fell in love with you anyway.’ Patrick looks at David and shakes his head ‘I can’t believe.....’ he trails off, he’s lost for words.</p><p>Patrick leans in and puts his arms around David’s waist and pulls him closer to him, David puts his arms around Patrick’s shoulders and the hold each other. Patrick whispers ‘it’s ok....we’re ok’. They stay like that for a few seconds until they hear Dr Samia clear her throat and they pull apart and look at her.</p><p>‘Ok, times pretty much up, I do have another appointment in a few minutes but I wanted to make a few recommendations’. She looks down her notes then looks up again. ‘Patrick I think that you probably have a few things to process after today so I’ll see you next week as usual and we can go through those.’ She smiles softly at him then turns to David. ‘David, thank you for sharing today, I know it must have been very difficult for you. It’s evident to me that you have some abandonment and self worth issues maybe from past relationships that may be lying dormant in your subconscious and you were projecting them onto Patrick. To ensure that nothing like this happens again and that you move forward in your relationship in a healthy manner you will need to deal with these issues. If you are willing, I would also like to have some one to one sessions with you.’ She pauses then look at them both ‘lastly, I would recommend that you both continue to talk freely and openly as much as you can and also that you have a couples sessions with me once a month.’</p><p>Patrick nods at her then looks at David.</p><p>‘Yes...yes I’d like that’ says David firmly and Patrick can’t help the smile that spreads across his face, he’s so relieved.</p><p>Dr Samia stands and hold out her hand to Patrick, he takes it with both his hands and shakes it  ‘thank you’. She nods back at him and says ‘see you next week’.</p><p>She then reaches her hand out to David, he shakes it and she say reassuringly ‘you did really well today David, this is definitely a good start’.</p><p>As they walk out the door she say ‘please see the receptionist on your way out and she will schedule your appointments, I’ll see you both soon.’</p><p>They both thank her and as they leave the office Patrick grabs David’s hand in his and he lifts it to his lips to kiss it, David smiles at him. He can tell that David is already feeling lighter, like a huge weight had been lifted off of his shoulders, Patrick feels the same way too. He has absolutely no doubt in his mind that they are going to be ok and he couldn’t be happier about it.</p><p> </p><p>One Year Later.</p><p>The bell over the shop door rings and a courier enters. Patrick is at the cash desk going through invoices and David is at the back of the store dusting one of the display shelves.</p><p>‘Delivery for um....’ the courier looks at his hand held device to check ‘David...uh...Rose’.</p><p>David turns around and says ‘yep, Brewer-Rose, that’s me’</p><p>Patrick looks over at his husband and smiles. Yep, he thinks to himself, I really couldn’t be happier.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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